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Please Let Me Finish

Recognizing and responding to conversational dominance.

Key points

  • Talking more, talking over, and interrupting a partner can be expressions of relationship power.
  • Conversational dominance can complicate partners’ ability to work together and diminish relationship quality.
  • Explicitly asserting the intention to speak or finish an idea can help in claiming conversational space.

In previous posts, I've examined how withdrawal can complicate discussions about sex. Whether this disengagement results from anxiety or serves to assert power and control, it is challenging to get on the same page with a partner who simply will not participate in a discussion. But what about the opposite problem—a partner who takes over the conversation? Consider this exchange.

Partner 1: Last night at the party you mentioned that guy was really hot. It’s been a while since we talked about being exclusive and it made me wonder...

Partner 2: Oh, sorry. Don’t worry about that. It was just an offhand comment. He was flirting and harmless. Not a big deal.

Partner 1: Oh, no, I didn’t think that…

Partner 2: I mean, he’s the one who came up to me. It’s not like I was trying to get with him. We barely even talked.

Partner 1: No, I know that…

Partner 2: I know the rules. We don’t need to go through all that again.

Partner 1: That’s not what I mean. It actually did make me think about the rules though…

Partner 2: I know we’re exclusive. I’m fine with it. I’m really fine with it. That doesn’t mean I’m blind. The guy was cute. But I wasn’t trying to go home with him.

Partner 1: But I wonder if we should consider…

Partner 2: Look, we have also said before that neither of us wants to be super controlling. We can’t follow each other around like spies. There has to be some trust too.

Partner 1: Never mind.

It seems at least possible that Partner 1 intended to have a conversation in which the couple might consider opening their sexual agreement in some way. Unfortunately, Partner 2 interrupted almost immediately and never allowed Partner 1 to finish a thought. This post looks at what happens when one partner takes over a conversation and suggests some strategies that might disrupt that pattern.

Conversational dominance—more than just talking more

Conversational dominance has been studied for decades as an expression of relationship power (e.g., Gray-Little & Burks, 1983; Kollock et al., 1985; Whisman & Jacobson, 1990). Talking more, talking over, and interrupting a partner all convey that the perspectives, emotions, and priorities of the partner speaking are more important than those of the partner who is listening (Kollock et al., 1985). Someone may feel the need to assert power or control over a conversation for a variety of reasons.

  • Anxiety: One partner may be anxious and afraid of what the other is going to say. Talking constantly avoids the discomfort of listening.
  • Habit and expectation: After having conversations that follow similar patterns, one partner may assume they already know what or how much the other is going to say.
  • Oversight or disinterest: One partner may be so focused on their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences that it does not occur to them to consider the other’s perspective.

Whatever the motivation, it is the assertion of power or control that distinguishes conversational dominance from exchanges where one partner simply has a lot more to say than the other. In moments of enthusiasm, despair, or anything in between, one partner may be swept up and go on at length. These moments of imbalance differ from conversational dominance in key ways.

  • They are temporary. Usually, the person talking eventually realizes they have been going on for a while and pauses to check in, allowing the other partner to speak. They are curious about what their partner has to say, even though they are talking a lot.
  • There is the potential for reciprocity. The partner doing a lot of talking would, in a different moment, be willing to exchange roles and actively listen to their partner.

Constructive communication tends to be mutual (Christensen, 1987, 1988). The one-sided nature of conversational dominance means it can create a wide range of problems for couples. It may increase the likelihood of misunderstandings and complicate collaborative decision-making because only one partner is allowed to share their perspective and priorities. Interrupting and talking over a partner are characteristics of conversational exchanges that promote and sustain conflict (Christensen, 1987, 1988). Relationship quality (e.g., satisfaction, emotional closeness, or commitment) may diminish as conversations become less rewarding for one or both partners.

How to respond to a partner who dominates the conversation

Asserting yourself when a partner dominates the conversation is challenging. Interrupting them may exacerbate conflict and passively listening means you never get to express yourself. Here are some alternatives you might consider.

  • Claim your moment. Be clear that you have started talking. You might begin by saying, “If we can pause you for a moment, I have a thought about that…” or “Before we move on, I’d like to say something…” If you pause and allow your partner a moment to say “OK,” verbally acknowledging that you are speaking orients them to the role of listening.
  • Don’t be too easily interrupted. If a partner starts talking before you finish a thought, or while you are thinking of what to say, you might point that out by saying, “Hold on, I am not quite done,” or “Sorry, I need to finish this thought.”
  • Consider advance planning. If you are someone who is used to not talking very much, thinking of what you want to say in the moment can be challenging. Planning out, or even writing down, some key ideas ahead of time can reduce the time you need to express yourself in conversation.

What to do when you notice you are dominating the conversation

There are also strategies that might be useful if you have noticed you tend to do most of the talking. Using these may allow you to learn more about your partner. It may also give your partner a chance to show you that they are listening and trying to understand you. Either way, you both win.

  • Say one thing at a time. If you list all the things on your mind without pausing, there is a good chance the person you are talking to will only be able to respond to the thing you said last. Bringing topics up one at a time allows you and your partner to focus on each of them in sequence. It might be useful to list the things you want to bring up in discussion and consider an order that makes the most sense.
  • Pause for longer than you think you need to. If you want to hear what your partner has to say, you need to give them time to figure that out. Take five deep breaths (three counts in, three counts out). Count slowly to 15. Think back on what you have said so far. Doing any of these things gives your partner time to think about what you have said and formulate a response.
  • Get curious. Asking questions (preferably one at a time) is a way to actively bring your partner into a conversation. It is also a chance to express what you want to learn about their perspective.

Finding support if you need it

Disparities in relationship power have been linked to intimate partner violence in sexual and gender minority relationships (e.g., Bosco et al., 2022; Peitzmeier et al., 2020; Porsch et al., 2023; Robles et al., 2022). This post does not address the needs of couples experiencing violence and abusive control. For those seeking such information, the Human Rights Campaign has compiled an overview of intimate partner violence among LGBTQ+ people with links to relevant national resources.

Conclusions

Left unchecked, conversational dominance can complicate partners’ ability to work together and diminish relationship quality. Recognizing it can help them respond more effectively during difficult conversations.

References

Bosco, S. C., Robles, G., Stephenson, R., & Starks, T. J. (2022). Relationship power and intimate partner violence in sexual minority male couples. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(1-2), NP671-NP695. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520916271

Christensen, A. (1987). Detection of conflict patterns in couples. In K. Hahlweg & M. J. Goldstein (Eds.), Understanding major mental disorder: The contribution of family interaction research. (pp. 250-265). Family Process Press.

Christensen, A. (1988). Dysfunctional interaction patterns in couples. In P. Noller & F. M.A. (Eds.), Perspectives on Marital Interaction (pp. 31-55). Multilingual Matters.

Gray-Little, B., & Burks, N. (1983). Power and satisfaction in marriage: A review and critique. Psychological Bulletin, 93(3), 513. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.93.3.513

Kollock, P., Blumstein, P., & Schwartz, P. (1985). Sex and power in interaction: Conversational privileges and duties. American Sociological Review, 50(1), 34-46. https://doi.org/10.2307/2095338

Peitzmeier, S. M., Malik, M., Kattari, S. K., Marrow, E., Stephenson, R., Agénor, M., & Reisner, S. L. (2020). Intimate partner violence in transgender populations: Systematic review and meta-analysis of prevalence and correlates. American Journal of Public Health, 110(9), e1-e14. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305774

Porsch, L. M., Xu, M., Weldhuis, C. B., Bochicchio, L. A., Zollweg, S. S., & Hughes, T. L. (2023). Intimate partner violence among sexual minority women: A scoping review. Trauma Violence Abuse, 24(5), 3014-3036.

Robles, G., Bosco, S. C., Cardenas, I., Hostetter, J., & Starks, T. J. (2022). Psychosocial and culturally-specific factors related to intimate partner violence victimization among a sample of Latino sexual minority cis men in the U.S. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(23-24), NP22501-NP22527. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605211072167

Whisman, M. A., & Jacobson, N. S. (1990). Power, marital satisfaction, and response to marital therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 4(2), 202-212. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.4.2.202

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