Why Willpower Makes Things Worse, Not Better

Source: Photo by George Xistris on Unsplash

According to addiction expert, Joe Polish, a person is "as sick as their secrets." When you keep your pain and trauma secret, you become increasingly sick.

In the book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk M.D. explains that traumatic memories are stored differently than "normal" memories. Normal memories are social and contextual. They are fluid and adaptive. When you have new experiences, your memories are altered and adjusted based on your new information.

However, traumatic memories are isolated, without context, and frozen. Consequently, when you have a traumatic memory, your personality gets stuck or "frozen." You can't live presently. Thus, you can't take in new experiences--and even if you do, they don't get assimilated into your prior memories.

Willpower Pushes Suppressed Trauma Down Even Further

You can't will your way out of trauma. Hence, Arnold M. Washton, Ph.D. has said, “Many people think that what the addict needs is willpower, but nothing could be further from the truth.” Attempting to overcome an addiction through grit and willpower only pushes the pain even further down into suppression. The reason is simple: willpower is an individual approach to something that requires connection. As Joe Polish has said, "Fighting a silent battle isn't helpful for addiction. The opposite of addiction is connection."

Polish's insights resonate with the popular TED Talk: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong. If you're attempting to use willpower to change your life, you're "going it alone" and "fighting a silent battle," Polish explains.

According to addiction expert Dr. Gabor Maté, the addict doesn't need a critic and they don't need judgement. Instead, they need compassion. Only an environment of compassion will allow the addict to feel safe enough to become open about their pain. Hence, Polish has said, "You can't punish the pain out of people." Polish is on a mission to change the global conversation about addiction from one of judgement to one of compassion. The only way out of addiction is through connection, not willpower. The opposite of willpower is connection because willpower is attempting to do something on your own.

Conclusion

Willpower is fighting a silent battle. Willpower is isolating yourself against your context—rather than building a context around you for your own growth and development.