Friends
Stop and Ask These Three Questions Before Giving Advice
Help your loved ones make the best decision by ensuring they feel heard first.
Posted May 23, 2025 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Focus on whether a friend wants solutions or simply emotional support.
- Avoid offering advice based on incomplete information—listen closely to understand the full context.
- Ask them what advice they would give someone else in their shoes to help them access their own wisdom.
I was recently watching Hulu’s Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, and I was fascinated by how quick the women are to give advice. These eight TikTok-famous influencers describe wanting to empower women by showcasing their healthy and encouraging sisterhood. Of course, viewers know that this flood of unsolicited advice framed as emotional support sometimes does more harm than good.
One recurring issue throughout the season is whether Taylor Franke Paul, one of the women from “MomTok,” should continue a relationship with Dakota, the father of her recent baby. Throughout the season, she’s bombarded with opinions from every direction: who’s at fault, what she should do, and how she should feel. Taking the portrayal at face value, it’s evident that this treatment takes a toll on her emotional well-being.
When friends come to us faced with a big decision, it’s tempting to jump in with what we think will help. However, giving quick advice to people we care about can often backfire. Before offering advice, consider asking them these three questions:
1. How can I best help you right now?
When someone comes to us with a problem, it’s easy to assume they want advice. But sometimes, what they really need is someone to listen. In fact, studies show that simply helping someone name their emotions can make them feel better, even if no advice is offered.
By asking, “How can I best help you right now?” you’re giving your friend the opportunity to tell you exactly what they need. You might even want to ask directly, “Would you like advice, or would you rather just talk?” Sometimes, people in the midst of a tough decision just need to process their emotions with someone they trust, rather than hearing a bunch of potential solutions.
Don’t offer advice if they’re not asking for it. Many people already know what they need to do; they just haven’t fully accepted it yet. Giving unsolicited advice can come off as dismissive of their emotional struggle. It’s more important to show that you’re there for them, regardless of whether you have the perfect solution.
2. What else can you tell me about the predicament you face?
There are few things more frustrating than being told what to do by someone who doesn’t understand the dilemma at hand. Their advice is often overly simplistic or doesn’t apply. For example, if a friend is debating whether to quit their job, and you immediately tell them, “Just leave! You can find something else,” it might seem like you’re ignoring the full complexity of their situation—finances, family obligations, and personal uncertainties that make that decision far from easy.
It’s possible you really do have expert knowledge to share, but you’ll be more persuasive if you have made a good-faith effort to understand all of the factors at play. Listen to their situation and reflect back what you heard. This type of active listening has been shown to improve relationships.
Avoid talking about choices you’ve faced that aren’t related. Keep the focus on your friend and their situation. Jumping in with your own experiences might show that you understand, but it can also come off as irrelevant and insensitive. If you do bring up something you’ve faced that might help them, frame it in a way that is specific to you. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant suggests the question, “Here are a few things that have helped me—do you think any of them might work for you?” Inviting them in will help them feel more ownership over the solution and make them more willing to consider other opinions.
3. What advice would you give to someone in your situation?
Sometimes, the best way to help someone is to encourage them to think for themselves. Asking, “What advice would you give to someone in your situation?” can help your friend see their dilemma from an outsider’s perspective. People often find it easier to give advice to others than to themselves, and this question can encourage them to tap into their inner knowing.
Don’t immediately disagree with their assessment; get curious. If they answer that another friend should make a choice you don’t understand, ask for clarification. Gently explore how this hypothetical friend might address some concerns you foresee before jumping in with your own arguments. Your friend will likely be less defensive if you can articulate concerns you have about a hypothetical situation, even if it mirrors their own.
Whether it’s a tough relationship decision like Taylor’s in Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, a career crossroads, or a personal struggle, we’ve all been in a position to advise a friend. Once you’ve asked these questions, you’re in a much better position to offer advice that’s thoughtful, helpful, and supportive. Encourage your friend to seek out multiple perspectives, and remind them that they ultimately know what’s best for them.
Remember, while you may have valuable insights to share, it’s their life, their decision. They’ll likely appreciate your thoughtful approach, and your relationship will grow stronger as a result.
