"Hardships make us strong. Problems give birth to wisdom. Sorrows cultivate compassion." –Daisaku Ikeda
As fall turned into winter and the semester ended, one of my international students contacted me. “I need your help,” she pleaded. She was collecting presents for refugee families in her neighborhood who had nothing to give their children Christmas morning. I agreed to meet with her to learn more.
As we discussed what role I could play, I was surprised at her compassion and commitment to help these families. This student had mentioned to me on other occasions that she was barely making ends meet, trying to afford the expenses that accompanied being an international student. It was difficult for her to find work, housing and tuition costs were high, and she needed money for public transportation.
The areas surrounding the refugee families were well equipped to afford extra Christmas gifts, yet it was my penniless student doing what she could to ensure these families had a good Christmas. How baffling, I thought.
“Why are you the one helping these families, when you have so little compared to those who could be helping?” I asked. She responded that she had grown up in Chile with very little. Her family struggled to afford basic needs, let alone holiday luxuries. One December, her mother cut up old magazine pictures to paste together a Christmas tree. “I know what it’s like to really struggle, especially during what should be a joyful time. I don’t want others to have to feel that.”
I was awestruck by her compassion and ability to empathize with others after experiencing poverty. Amazingly, her experience is not unique. As Jill Suttie said, “What doesn't kill you makes you kinder.”
Research shows that experiencing hardship can have 5 surprisingly positive effects:
- Higher self-reported compassion. An article published in the journal Emotion found that those with low socioeconomic status (SES) self-reported greater compassion for others in response to videos of others in compassion-inducing situations compared to their high SES counterparts.
- Higher physiological indicators of empathy. The article referenced above found in its second study that those with low SES not only self-reported feelings of compassion but also had more pronounced heart rate deceleration in response to the suffering of others. This was interpreted as a sign of sympathy and engaging with the social environment. Similar results were found in a study published in the journal Culture and Brain. Here, researchers found that those high in SES had diminished responses to pained expressions in the front-central P2, an area associated with empathy.
- Better emotion detection. A study from the journal Psychological Science found that those with low SES had better accuracy when determining others emotional states. This attunement is one of the first steps in developing empathy for others.
- More prosocial behavior. A series of studies described in the journal Interpersonal Relations and Group Processes give evidence that those who have less, give more. Those with low SES were more altruistic in the dictator game. Interestingly, they also found some evidence of causality. Researchers wrote, “Inducing participants to momentarily perceive themselves as relatively lower than others in socioeconomic standing caused them to endorse more generous donations to charity.”
- Increased motivation to connect with others. An article published in Personality and Social Psychology Review outlines potential positive consequences to pain. The researchers discuss that those who experience either physical or social pain are motivated to connect with others. Shared experience facilitates liking and closeness to others with similar experiences.
Just as my student was motivated to help others because of her own adverse experiences, research shows struggle breeds empathy. You can likely think of many people who used their pained experience to impart compassion. One example is Bryan Stevenson, a black man raised in an era of segregation and social injustice who is now world-renowned for his effort to exonerate death row inmates. In his book, Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption, he wrote:
Being broken is what makes us human. We all have our reasons. Sometimes we’re fractured by the choices we make; sometimes we’re shattered by things we would never have chosen. But our brokenness is also the source of our common humanity, the basis for our shared search for comfort, meaning, and healing. Our shared vulnerability and imperfection nurtures and sustains our capacity for compassion.
I in no way advocate for people to seek out agony. For example, many people who self-harm are looking for connection and empathy from others, but in an unhealthy way. Seeking the upsides of adversity should not mean self-sabotaging, self-handicapping, or permitting harm.
These findings also do not excuse those who may withhold their means because they believe struggling itself has benefits. My plea is that you find your own meaning in hardship. Let your adversity propel you toward empathy and understanding, rather than bitterness or lost hope. From the ashes of your sorrows, create compassion.
