Surprising Ingredients for Beating Loneliness

We are living in an age of widespread loneliness and disconnection. To make matters more complicated, encountering difference very often quickly transforms into fear, threat, and various self-protective responses which, by definition, increase distance rather than foster connection.

Such fear responses have their place, and there are many scenarios where distancing ourselves from perceived threat is indeed the appropriate and adaptive response. The problem is when these responses are activated at such a low threshold that any whiff of difference or friction is experienced the same as real danger, creating a different kind of danger—isolation and quietly devastating loneliness.

Although I am quick to point out the limitations of insight, in this case, a bit of grounded education may be an entryway to softening some automatic reactions to encountering difference.

In short: Learning to relate with others who are experienced as different from ourselves is an essential ingredient to feeling deeply connected.

Rupture and repair

Leaders in attachment and mentalization research have conducted incredible studies on infant-caregiver interactions and learned that optimally safe, secure, caring, and growth-producing relationships are those which are not perfectly attuned with flawless mirroring at all times, but rather, relationships that engage a dance of connection, disconnection, and reconnection. The tolerable flaws, empathic “misses,” and moments of discomfort or inattention which are followed by the joy and relief of restored connection are what promote the development of self-esteem, self-agency, and trust in oneself and others.

Alternatively, those who have not been fortunate to experience this dance in early development may find everyday moments of disconnection, difference, or disagreement intolerable, and even minor conflicts can escalate into all-out arguments or cut-off relationships. The solution is in the problem. If this resonates, ultimately, what is needed is to experience the dance of disconnection and reconnection for yourself. When there are enough cues for safety (for many, this is in a therapeutic relationship), then a person can start to try out this dance, metaphorically stepping on their partner’s toes (and vice versa) and slowly discovering a rhythm that accommodates frustration, disappointment, and misunderstanding without destroying a sense of connection and trust.

For an accessible read on this subject, I recommend the book The Power of Discord by Ed Tronick, MD, and Claudia Gold, MD.

The power of unexpected connection

The “psychotherapeutic hospital” was once a more widely recognized and available option for people in need of psychiatric care beyond stabilization, a place where they could stabilize, yes, but also re-engage with others, restore hope, feel known, and take risks in the company of other people who were seeking the same things.

When I worked at such a hospital, the patients and I would at times lightheartedly describe the phenomenon of rich and unexpected community as akin to “The Breakfast Club.” It was an apt comparison because the patient milieu was indeed a mixed bag. Ages ranging from mid 20s to late 70s, varying issues, life circumstances, SES, physicalities, worldviews, all came together, and the most surprising of bonds were formed. Importantly, it was typically this part of the hospital experience that patients most credited with their relief, recovery, and renewed sense of hope, which was seen as a win by professional staff.

We all would do well to generate more opportunities for unexpected connection in our lives; however, we risk starving ourselves of them if we are only open to connection in the places where we expect to find it. This means being open to connection despite differences (even disagreement) and working to find the bridge that connects two humans in a shared experience (Shapiro, 2005).

To be clear, this should not be at the risk of one’s safety, physical or emotional. The task of opening oneself to unexpected connection is aided by thoughtful discernment, which is neither naively open nor overconfidently foreclosed.

Experiencing others as distinct and separate

For some, others feel too different from themselves; perhaps they feel alien and like they don’t belong amongst the rest of society. For others, there is a risk of feeling too much the same, even merged, as if they feel what others feel around them without any control or protections, boundary-less. While this may sound romantic in a way, for those who experience it on a regular basis, it is overwhelming, disorienting, and makes it difficult to feel grounded and secure in their own identity and essential boundaries.

If this is relatable, then one aspect of increasing connection with others will be to develop a more distinct, separate, and secure sense of oneself—to be able to know where oneself ends and someone else begins. Often this requires more than self-study or independent personal growth and is best supported by therapy with someone who is experienced in helping those with diffuse identities, loose psychological boundaries, and difficulties with mentalization.

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“Sameness and difference exist simultaneously in mutual recognition…things don’t have to be perfect, that, in fact, it is better if they are not… Experiences of ‘being with’ are predicated on a continually evolving awareness of difference, on a sense of intimacy as felt as occurring between ‘the two of us.’” (Benjamin, 1988, p. 47)

Mutual recognition

For the academically inclined and readers with a professional interest in this subject, the concept of mutual recognition within relational psychoanalysis helps to further articulate the role that difference and distinction play in the experience of togetherness. As famously described by Jessica Benjamin, mutual recognition is “a relation in which each person experiences the other as a 'like subject,' another mind who can be 'felt with,' yet has a distinct, separate center of feeling and perception (2004, p. 5).”

In this dynamic, separateness does not threaten connection, but rather allows for a reciprocal relationship. Its counter, complementary relationships, represent a breakdown in mutuality where the involved parties fall into a “doer” and “done-to” interaction, destroying freedom and leading to impasses. The solution is for both/all parties to take mutual responsibility for the dynamic, not retaliating against or submitting to the other, but together surrendering to the reality of separateness, restoring each’s capacities to think creatively and take up self-agency.

Once again, the salve to disconnection and power struggles is to embrace and work with the reality of differences rather than fight against it.

Takeaways

• Alleviating loneliness involves learning to recognize safe avenues to pursue connection. Restricting one's definition of "safety" to those who are overtly similar not only limits options, but also stifles the development of genuine relational security.
• If you are trying to learn how to navigate differences and disconnection in relationships, then giving yourself a safe context to practice can help. Find a therapist who works relationally, encourages open communication and curiosity around frustration and disappointment, and try talking about when you want to pull away from that relationship before acting on that feeling.
• Practice curiosity and nonjudgment when you encounter others who are different from yourself and listen for what can be shared experientially, even if the surface-level details are different. See what happens when you highlight and stay engaged with those pockets of connection.
• Supporting the development of psychological boundaries supports healthy relationships with others. Feeling separate promotes a feeling of connection.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.