Relationships
Why You Prefer Your Financial Opposite in Relationships
You tend to choose a partner with a different money mindset than your own.
Posted January 16, 2025 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Key points
- We choose romantic partners who have different attitudes toward money than ourselves.
- This violates a typical finding in psychology and relationships, where we prefer similar others.
- Different money attitudes in relationships can create conflict.
If you take an introductory social psychology class, the professor may ask whether you agree with this question on the first day:
“Do opposites attract?”
Most students think about it, tentatively nod their heads yes, and wait for the professor to provide them with the answer to this question. Instead, the professor peppers them with a second question:
“Do birds of a feather flock together?”
The students are quick to agree with this statement. But since the statements directly butt heads with each other, they necessarily cannot both be true! So, what’s going on here?
Birds of a Feather
Social science research points to the conclusion that people prefer spending time with those who are similar to them. In other words, the students who agreed with the question, “Do birds of a feather flock together?” were correct, as was Billie Eilish in her recent hit song. If you prefer spending time with people who share your taste in music, attended the same university as you, or share your political views, you are not alone. Social scientists have coined a term for this concept, homophily, which is defined as the tendency of people to associate and bond with others who are similar to them.
However, something odd occurs when it comes to choosing our romantic partners.
Financial Opposites Attract in Romantic Relationships
Love makes us behave differently, especially when it comes to money. Researchers studied how romantic couples approach money in terms of their personal inclination to save or spend.1 Spendthrifts, who enjoy spending money and have no reservations about doing so, are more likely to choose a romantic partner who is a tightwad, who enjoys saving money and has difficulty spending their cash. In other words, their findings challenge the birds of a feather flock together hypothesis.
Interestingly, the more unhappy the person was with their inability to control their spending, the more likely they were to be in a romantic relationship with someone who hates spending money. Like a seesaw, people appear to seek out a romantic partner who balances them out financially. But is this a good thing?
Conflict Ensues
In a follow-up study, the researchers examined whether couples with opposing financial personalities experienced more conflict than couples with the same financial personalities. Couples with very strong differences in their tightwad vs. spendthrift tendencies experience more marital conflict. These effects held when controlling for key factors like household debt and savings.
While enticing at first, a romantic partner with an opposing viewpoint on money proves difficult over time. As uncomfortable as they may be, having conversations about financial goals, priorities, obstacles, and habits as a couple is critical to promoting financial harmony. Money is among the most common sources of conflict and stress in romantic relationships, so make sure you and your partner are able to communicate effectively and prioritize joint goals for long-term success and happiness.
References
Rick, S. I., Small, D. A., & Finkel, E. J. (2011). Fatal (fiscal) attraction: Spendthrifts and tightwads in marriage. Journal of Marketing Research, 48(2), 228-237.