Teaching Children about Affirmative Consent

Source: CCO license No attribution required

With so many stories of sexual violence in the media, consent is a word that we are hearing about more and more. However, as it pertains to sexual behavior, the definition of consent has changed. According to Merriam Webster, the word is defined as permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. While traditionally we have been taught that “no means no” as it pertains to sexual behavior, there is a movement toward affirmative consent and “yes means yes." In other words, just because someone doesn’t say “no” to engaging in sexual behavior, doesn’t mean that they are consenting. The importance of affirmative consent was highlighted last year when accusations of sexual misconduct were brought against comedian Aziz Ansari for a sexual encounter he described as consensual.

At present, “yes means yes” legislation has been passed by three states (New, York, California, and Connecticut) and is currently before numerous other state legislatures. Affirmative consent laws mandate the teaching of affirmative consent as standard practice on college campuses. In California, high schools are also required to teach affirmative consent in health classes. In addition, regardless of state law, many colleges have adopted affirmative consent policies for their campuses. This means that if a prospective sexual partner is silent, indifferent, unconscious, asleep, or too drunk or high to give consent, sexual relations cannot take place. While the law states that consent may be given by both words or actions, if there is some doubt, then the person should ask.

So how do we teach affirmative consent to our children? While it is easy to think that things like affirmative consent will be taught at school or once they reach college, this should not be relied upon. Affirmative consent is something that should be taught, modeled and discussed throughout your child’s lifetime and not just when they become sexually active or go off to college.

Following are some strategies for teaching children about affirmative consent:

1. When your children are young, allow your children to make decisions about being touched. This means not forcing tickles or hugs and kisses upon them without asking permission first. It also means that we must respect their decision if they say no. While our children should be polite and greet friends and relatives appropriately with a verbal greeting or handshake/fist bump if they are not comfortable with hugs and kisses those wishes should be respected.
2. With school-age children, you want to work on their critical thing abilities. Thus, you can give them scenarios that are age appropriate involving issues of consent (these can be made up situations or scenarios from TV or news stories) and ask them how they would handle those situations and what they would do. You want to ask them open-ended questions so that they can consider all aspects of the situation. This then teaches them how to evaluate situations critically for themselves in the future.
3. With teenagers, you want to talk to them about healthy relationships – and what those look like. You also want to model those behaviors for them in your own relationships. If you have made mistakes, talk to your teens about them and tell them what you learned. As teens start to become sexually active you should review what consent entails and how to ask for affirmative consent from their partners.
4. When talking to teens and young adults also emphasize that consent is dynamic – meaning that it can change over the course of the sexual encounter. For example, just because a partner says yes to engaging in foreplay does not mean that they have consented to intercourse. Further, even if consent has been given, a person can withdraw their consent during the encounter. Once consent is withdrawn, sexual relations must cease immediately.
5. Finally, teach your teen or young adult about being an active bystander. There may be times when they witness or hear discussion of non-consensual sexual relations. There is evidence that teaching high school and college students to be active bystanders – meaning that they step up, speak up and intervene – can prevent sexual assault. Bystander intervention programs such as Green Dot teach individuals how to intervene either directly or indirectly when they witness or hear about non-consensual sexual behaviors. Many college campuses and even some high schools and middle schools are using these types of programs. Parents can learn about these types of programs and reinforce the strategies they teach with their kids.