Managing the Fear of Missing Out

Source: LJ Lara/Unsplash

The fear of missing out (FOMO) is a seemingly innocent acronym. We use it casually in day-to-day conversation, “Oh, if I don’t go to that dinner, I will have real FOMO,” or "I need to buy that dress, or I will get FOMO.” Behind the acronym hides a darker reality. FOMO causes people significant distress, as people forget to inhabit their lives and instead live their lives through the filters of what other people are doing.

Clients who have come to see me report clinical levels of anxiety and a constant worry and fear that they have not made the best choice possible, leading to great difficulties with acceptance or contentment. FOMO is not a modern-day phenomenon. Social comparisons have existed as long as people have had the capacity to think, evaluate, and compare their lives to those of other people.

We rely on these social comparisons as a natural way of evaluating progress and of assessing our skills and capacities. The difference between FOMO today and FOMO in the past is probably the sheer number of comparators we have. Pre-internet and pre-social media, we would have compared ourselves to people in our immediate vicinity, including close peers, family, and friends/colleagues. People we associated with were likely to have had similar lifestyles and capacities to us.

Now, at a glance, we can access millions of people living lives very different to ours and often compare our lives unfavorably. Life is also more complex, and we have seemingly endless choices—assuming that we forget to account for opportunity costs (i.e., the resourcing costs associated with making any decision). We see an endless array of people who appear to be making all these choices and living wealthier, prettier, and more interesting lives.

We can make upward or downward social comparisons (i.e., with people who appear better or worse off than us). Typically, people make upward comparisons when we seek to improve or better our skills and downward comparisons when we want to feel better about ourselves and boost self-esteem. However, with FOMO and social media, we make comparisons instinctively and without any thought, and our assessments are colored by a fear of loss rather than a desire to approach that which we value. Humans have a natural loss aversion bias—i.e., we focus on what we might lose rather than what we might gain—and we see this play out with FOMO when we struggle to commit to one alternative out of fear of losing others.

FOMO can be highly problematic as it keeps us trapped in a cycle of looking wistfully at other people’s lives and choices → feeling detached from our own lives → turning to social media for solace from dissatisfaction or reassurance → cycle repeat. It is important to break the cycle of FOMO to find any measure of contentment. Here’s how.

Recognize that we cannot have it all at the same time.

We have finite hours in a day and only so much time, energy, and money. You will have to privilege certain choices over others, whether these are small choices, such as yoga or the gym or reading or watching TV, or more weighty ones, like medical school or law school. The sooner you accept that you will have to say no to some things to pursue others, the happier you are likely to be.

Define your values.

It is easier to manage FOMO when you know what your core values are and try to make choices aligned with them instead of making choices based on fear of loss. As an example, if you know that you value health, you might be more able to comfortably say no to an alcohol-filled dinner and yes to a Saturday morning yoga workshop.

Commit to things you want to do.

Sometimes FOMO and jealousy can indicate that there are things we want to explore and need to bring into our lives. I used to get massive FOMO when people around me got puppies, which settled as soon as I adopted a dog. Are there any themes in your moments of peak FOMO? Do these themes speak to any experiences you especially want to have or skills you want to acquire?

Fear Essential Reads

Mistakes Were Made, and That’s a Good Thing

The Myth of Fearlessness

Sometimes to combat FOMO, we need to get off the couch and do things.

Manage social media use and remember that social media shows a highlights reel, not real life.

It will be very difficult to maintain a semblance of contentment with constant exposure to a new and dazzling array of options. Remember that social media and advertising are designed to involve you in a relentless search for the new and the better. Sometimes it is better to satisfice than maximize (i.e., settle for an option that satisfies most of what you are looking for rather than relentlessly seeking the best option) and to manage social media and advertising, so we are not constantly being bombarded with messages of “New, must try!” Unfollow people who make you second-guess your lifestyle or those who provide aspirational, unrealistic views of reality.

Lean in to what you do have.

Thanks, Sheryl Sandberg. I use this term in a different way to her initial meaning, but leaning in to your own life, noticing the nuances and positives, developing an investment in it and a gratitude practice are key to combating FOMO and embracing our real, messy lives.