How to Grow Kids Into Happy, Resilient Adults

One of the most important insights in all of psychology is that prior beliefs matter. Whether it's a place such as a university, a person such as a boss, or a group such as "liberals," our prior expectations about any topic of belief has a profound impact on how we interpret and interact with it. If we see a person as dangerous, for example, we will interpret everything they do in a more suspicious light.

I have spent a decade studying extremely basic beliefs about the broad qualities of the world as a whole. Researchers call these beliefs "primal world beliefs" or primals for short. Humans hold many different primals, including the beliefs that the world is abundant (versus barren) and getting better (versus worse). But most primals boil down into two beliefs: the beliefs that the world is a safe place with few threats (Safe world belief) and full of beautiful or interesting things (Enticing world belief).

These two beliefs appear to shape a great deal about a person. In one study, we showed that seeing the world as dangerous is tied to seeing murder, theft, and other crimes as being about 4.2x as high as those who see it as safe. Seeing the world as enticing also seems to be a major contributor to mental health and resilience.

Nevertheless, in a study four years ago we showed that many parents aim to pass on negative primal world beliefs to their kids. These parents surely mean well—they think that seeing the world as a place full of threats will somehow prepare kids for hardship and disappointment—but the scientific literature is beginning to suggest that the more likely outcome is just that these kids grow into fearful, sad, and unempowered adults.

After that study came out, I got a slew of emails from parents asking: "Is there anything I can do to instill positive primal world beliefs in my kids?" I didn't know what to say at the time. But we just learned something.

Source: Bess Hamiti/Pexels

A new study out of Duke University examined people in eight countries: Colombia, Italy, Jordan, Kenya, the Philippines, Sweden, Thailand, and the United States. We looked at several factors measured during childhood and then assessed the participants' primal world beliefs about 10 years later, when they were young adults.

What we found was important: Despite a widespread expectation that adulthood primal world beliefs would straightforwardly reflect the circumstances of upbringing, this was not the case. For example, being raised poor or in a higher crime neighborhood did not correspond to seeing the world as less abundant or more dangerous. What was also startling is that even really bad parental mistakes (like hitting your child or saying really mean things to them) didn't mean a kid developed more negative primal world beliefs. Those hypotheses failed.

But there was one, and only one, childhood factor that popped. Researchers call it "parental warmth." Parental warmth is all those thousands of everyday acts of acceptance, care, and support versus hostility, neglect, and rejection. Only parental warmth predicted 10 years later higher belief that the world is Safe and Enticing.

So, parents, I have good news:

Based on the research so far, positive worldviews do not require some heroic change in often impossible to change circumstances. You don't have to send your kids to schools you can't afford or move to super wealthy neighborhoods. You also don't have to be a perfect parent; if you lose your temper one night and scream at your kid, ask forgiveness and get back on your feet. Your kids' primals are probably not defined by your worst parenting moment.

Instead, when it comes to shaping your child's worldview, what matters more are all those day-in, day-out acts that tell your kid they are loved, cared for, and accepted as they are.

As a parent of two little girls, that sounds doable. That sounds within reach.

Hug your kid today.