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Think back over your life. Think of all the times you really, really wanted something. Things that didn’t work out. You didn't get what you hoped for. It was heartbreaking.
(Make a list on a piece of paper, if you want to. I am, right now, as I write this!)
I’ve got this on my mind today because of a quote that Invented Magazine (a digital magazine app I follow on Instagram) posted a while ago. I took a screenshot and saved it to my phone:
“It’s not a setback. It’s a plot twist.”
Every time I look at those words I feel like celebrating. It’s so true, and there is great relief and joy in that fact.
Last night I met with a small group of people from my church who meet weekly to discuss life and its more difficult questions. The first topic on the table was this: “Share stories of times when God said no to something you really wanted, only to give you something better later.”
Whether or not you believe in God, I imagine that you have personal experience with this phenomenon. The most common example, probably, is being deeply in love with someone and devastated when the relationship ends. Perhaps during the relationship you begged God (or that person) to get married or somehow keep them in your life forever. Yet... just a few months later (though sometimes it takes years) you look back and are so grateful that life moved you on. You can’t even relate to how devastated you were at the time, in fact you cringe at the thought. Thank God for unanswered prayers, as they say.
If you can’t think of examples of initially unwelcome yet ultimately positive “plot twists” in your life, you probably haven’t lived long enough yet.
In the event that right now in your life you’re experiencing a setback and can’t imagine how it’s going to turn out well, here are some examples from my life. They’re not the very worst sort of setbacks that can affect a person’s life, but in their time they were very challenging and unwelcome:
1) I worked very hard in medical school to finish near the top of my class, and got into the very competitive specialty that was my top choice: Emergency Medicine. Two years into the residency training I became very depressed and burned out, and had to admit to myself that I just wasn’t suited to the job. I dropped out of the program.
Despite anti-depressant medication, I couldn’t find the motivation and drive to get from one day to the other in that intense environment. I felt like such a failure. I wanted to be mentally strong, as resilient and passionate as my colleagues. Instead, I found myself thrust out into the world and forced to face the question: What do I really want to do with my life? The result - becoming a wellness expert, coach, speaker, author, and dancer - has been the most beautiful adventure I could imagine. I LOVE my work and can’t imagine not doing it.
2) I moved to Mexico for a time, where I had lots of time to write and dream and even had my own little flamenco and salsa dance company. I loved it so much; my firm plan was to stay there forever. Then the recession of 2008 hit, and because of a number of circumstances I had no choice but to return back north, against my will.
I was initially very cranky about having to come back up here. The cost of living is so much higher, and there isn’t nearly enough sun and fun. But as I sit here in my home and look over the (cloud-covered) ocean in the distance, I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I have an amazing community of friends and I fly down every few months to volunteer in Guatemala (making use of my Spanish skills and love of Latin culture). My life is very busy and alive and I am in so many ways extremely content. I don’t miss Mexico anymore and would probably say no to going back if the opportunity arose. (It's hard to believe I would actually write that, but it's true)
3) In the early days I dreamed of being a well known author, someone like Brene Brown. When my book Live a Life You Love came out, exciting things started to happen. Multiple national television programs contacted my book publicist about interviewing me; it felt like what I’d dreamed of was unfolding. I’ll never know what might have happened, as right at that time some circumstances happened in my personal life (beyond my control) that knocked me off center and stopped all the momentum. Even though I’m very grateful for the moderate success I do have, I never got that original momentum back. The events of that year knocked much of my ambition and drive out of me.
From watching other peers who sustained their own momentum and have reached where I thought I was going, I’m relieved that my career didn’t follow that trajectory. I know now that I don’t want to be that busy and in demand, and during the fairly frequent times that I do something I’m not proud of in public I’m grateful that (most of the time) no one knows who I am. There’s a reason that so many famous people end up turning to drugs and alcohol. Massive success is satisfying in many ways, but it comes with its own set of massive challenges. I am very content with the level of success I enjoy. I will continue to grow and expand what I do, but anything more that I achieve is a bonus, not a necessity.
What about you? What are the setbacks you’ve experienced, that proved to be positive plot twists? If you’re experiencing a setback right now, where might it be taking you, that you will be thankful for later?
Looking back, I am very grateful that I am not in charge of writing my own story. Sure, I might have inserted some really cool highlights, but I suspect that if I got my way all of the time, most of it would be a disaster.
Dr. Susan Biali, M.D. is a medical doctor, health and happiness expert, life and health coach, professional speaker, flamenco dancer, and the author of Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You . She has been featured as an expert on the Today Show as well as other major media outlets, and is available for keynote presentations, workshops/retreats, media commentary, and private life and health coaching.
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Copyright Dr. Susan Biali 2016
