How to Improve Your Physical and Emotional Connections

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What does it mean if your partner is truly present for you? Does it simply mean they were physically there for you in time and space—or does it mean something more?

Say, for example, you asked your partner to attend a doctor's appointment that you were nervous to go to. Would it be enough if they came but were preoccupied with a work call in the waiting room? Or, would it be acceptable if they were physically in the exam room with you but answering texts and not focused on how you were doing or what was going on?

As a couples therapist, I often hear clients describe the disconnect between physical and psychological presence in their relationship.

Physical presence

When there is physical absence within a relationship, this is more obvious because partners are not in actual shared proximity. This can happen for short or long periods of time, in infrequent or frequent intervals. Couples may struggle to adapt when a lack of physical presence occurs for more extended periods (e.g., long-distance relationships), more frequent intervals (e.g., recurrent work travel), or when there is a change to the typical pattern of physical presence, either creating more absence (e.g., change in employment schedule) or more presence (e.g., during COVID lockdown).

Even if physical presence exists, this by no means solves all problems. While physical presence can be an important aspect of psychological presence, it does not determine psychological presence. That is, physical and psychological presence are not inherently the same.

Have you ever felt lonely within an intimate relationship, even when they were physically present? Psychological presence may be at play.

Psychological presence

When I describe psychological presence, I’m referring to the ability to be mentally and emotionally engaged both intra- (with oneself) and interpersonally (with others) within a given moment. In doing so, you are not distracted by your internal thoughts, emotions, and/or physiological state, nor are you distracted by external cues. Instead, you can focus your attention on interaction in the here and now.

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The Impact of Technology

In this day and age, there are countless ways in which we can be pulled away from being present in our relationships—physically and psychologically. A clear way that I see most often is by technology.

Virtual presence is not the same as physical presence. It can be more difficult for people to authentically engage with one another in the same way when they are not physically together but are instead communicating through virtual platforms. A person’s emotions, thoughts, and energy may not be experienced in the same way when nuanced nonverbal communication cannot be seen, and the person’s presence cannot be physically experienced. While various forms of virtual communication, like video calls and texts, certainly have their place, they aren't a replacement for in-person communication and interaction between intimate partners.

Even when partners can be physically present, technology can often create barriers to psychological presence. Phubbing (phone snubbing) is one example of a specific type of common behavior that demonstrates psychological absence while partners are physically present. Phubbing is the act of paying more attention to your phone than the person you're with. Not surprisingly, research demonstrates negative impacts on relationship quality and satisfaction when partners are psychologically absent due to technology while physically present with their partner.

Ways to Improve Presence

Being physically and psychologically present within your relationship is a powerful way to build a strong and meaningful connection with your partner. While physical absence can be easier to identify within your relationship, it can sometimes be more difficult to identify psychological absence. As such, below are examples and strategies for building a physical and psychological presence within your intimate relationship.

Source: Rachel Diamond