Managing and Breaking Away From Toxic Relationships

We all strive to find inspiration and fulfillment by connecting with others, especially in romantic relationships. While we accept a certain level of imperfection from the people we love, some relationships cross the line into being “toxic,” that is, emotionally and/or physically harmful to one or both people. While it can be hard to set boundaries with those we love, it's important to recognize what makes a relationship toxic, the impact a toxic relationship can have on our well-being, and how we can protect ourselves.

What Makes a Relationship Toxic?

Conflict and dysfunction can exist in any relationship, even a healthy one. What defines a toxic relationship is repeated harmful behavior with no effort or intent to change. In a toxic relationship, dysfunction becomes normalized, accepted, and often hidden from the outside world by one or both parties. A person may be on their best behavior around others, but as soon as they have you alone, they show their true selves. At the root of toxic behavior is usually a need for control and an attempt to isolate and dominate others.

Examples of Toxic Behavior Include:

• Belittling: Your partner seemingly never has a good opinion of you and your actions. This constant criticism is framed as concern or teasing and lacks a balance of good feedback. This may erode your self-esteem and make you question your decision-making.
• Love bombing: ‍Someone who is love bombing you will shower you with extravagant gifts and compliments, and demand your constant attention to the exclusion of all your other relationships and commitments — friends, family, job, etc. They will lavish you with gifts and attention, then use that “generosity” to make you feel indebted or to isolate you from others.
• Disrespecting boundaries: Boundary setting is an important part of any healthy relationship because it creates clear expectations for both parties as to what behavior is and is not acceptable. Toxic people will dismiss your needs for privacy or independence and label your boundaries as selfish while protecting their own. Violations of physical and emotional boundaries can include going through your text messages, refusing to let you hang out with friends without them, or demanding that you share your dating history in exhaustive detail.
• Hair-trigger temper: Everything seems to make this person angry with you, and it’s impossible to predict what will set them off. You may have given up disagreeing with this person entirely for fear of making them mad, or feel that you need to constantly watch everything you do or say to keep from angering them.
• Guilt-tripping: The person makes you feel guilty for doing anything that contradicts or inconveniences them. They use your love for them against you, and set unrealistic standards to prove you care. Every small disagreement is characterized as proof of your indifference to their feelings, even decisions that have nothing to do with them.
• Deflecting blame: When you come to this person to let them know that their behavior made you sad and angry, they somehow convince you that their behavior is your fault. They may tell you that you’re too sensitive, or that your behavior led them to hurt you and it isn’t their fault that you’re unhappy.
• Gaslighting: Someone who is gaslighting you may “remember” events and conversations differently than you do, insisting that you have a bad memory or that you can’t trust your own judgment. The goal is to make you trust them completely and to isolate you from anyone who may disagree with them.

Protecting Yourself from Toxic Relationships

The best way to protect yourself from a toxic relationship is to make sure you are well-grounded in your physical and emotional boundaries and connected to a strong support network. Whether you’re looking to get out of a toxic relationship or trying to protect yourself from falling into one, these are a few good first steps in seeing the truth and breaking free.

1. Know your boundaries

Protecting yourself starts with knowing your boundaries and how to speak up about them. To define yours, ask yourself:

• What do I consider personal and private?
• What am I comfortable sharing with new acquaintances? Close friends?
• What parts of my life are non-negotiable for me to live happily?
• What am I willing to change or compromise on?

Now, think of a healthy relationship in your life. What behaviors would you never tolerate from that person? What would you never do to that person? Answer these questions to create a “relationship playbook” to check when it feels boundaries are being crossed,

Practice asserting boundaries in safe relationships, such as telling a trusted friend you’re uncomfortable with something. The more you do this, the easier it will become. If someone reacts angrily to your expressed needs, take it as a sign that they may not respect your autonomy.

2. Reach out to someone you trust

Toxic people often isolate their partners to maintain control. Friends and family who care about you may notice personality changes or poor treatment before you do. Reaching out to them provides perspective, support, and encouragement to speak up or walk away. Manipulation thrives in isolation, but loses power when you lean on others who care for and support you.

Taking the First Steps

Toxic relationships are complex and highly personal. Recognizing the situation and making changes can feel overwhelming. A therapist or group can help you understand toxic patterns, provide tools to assert independence, and support you as you work toward freedom. You deserve healthy, respectful connections. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, know you are not alone.

If you feel that you are trapped in a relationship that threatens you or your loved ones with emotional and physical harm, we encourage you to visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline, or dial 1-800-799-7233 for free confidential assistance.