Instant Charisma: Increase Your Attraction Quotient

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In workshops over the past 10 years, I have taught individuals how to recognize their own strengths. I accomplish this by having each person tell the story of the obstacles and challenges they needed to overcome in order to come to the workshop, such as arranging for time off or getting someone to take care of the kids or the dog, etc. That simple story reveals character strengths that are often ignored or simply taken for granted.

Right now, for example, let's use the story of how you made time to read this post. You might think, "Well, that's no big deal," but it may just uncover strengths you never considered.

So right now, either write down or mentally think of all the steps you took so that you could read this post. Did you get dressed first? Include that in your story. Did you make a cup of coffee or have a snack to enjoy while reading? Where did you read? Did you make space somewhere in your house or office? Did you leave quiet time so you could read in peace?

Now, let's look at your hidden strengths. First of all, just by taking an interest in this post, you displayed the strengths of curiosity, love of learning, and initiative!

Then, when you got dressed, you showed the strengths of action and decision-making and appreciation necessary to pick out the clothes that you find beautiful and pleasing. Even the acts of brushing your teeth, showering, and getting dressed are highly underrated—and yet they show the strengths of self-esteem, self-care, and planning.

Let's count enjoying that satisfying cup of coffee or snack as both the strength of self-care and gratitude for the good things in your life.

Lastly, by making space and quiet time to read the post, you engaged the strengths of wisdom and boundary-setting. Also consider why you are reading this post and others like it. If you are seeking to learn more about yourself or become a better person for those in your life, then you are showing the strengths of love, humility, self-growth, and broadened perspectives.

When you think about it, even something as seemingly insignificant as remembering where you put your favorite mug or coffee cup displays the strength of memory.

But you may be asking, "What do strengths have to do with charisma and attracting others?" Great question!

I should mention that after I talk about strengths in my workshops, I have people pair up with someone new. Each person then shares an ordinary story. Their partner, meanwhile, listens for the strengths in that story—without interrupting. After hearing the story, the partner reflects back the strengths that they identified in that story. After both have finished telling their stories and having a partner identify their strengths, I ask them this question:

"What was it like to meet someone through the lens of strengths?"

If it were possible to measure the level of goodwill and energy in the room after this exercise, it would be off the charts. Here's what I discovered: Noticing the strengths of another is a powerful connecting tool that makes people take notice of you. It creates an instant bond.

Basically, noticing another's strengths accomplishes three things.

1. People feel heard and validated.
2. Individuals feel safe, and with safety comes a secure attachment and connection.
3. Individuals feel they are not being judged, and can thus be more authentic and real.

Noticing Others' Strengths Is the Magic Elixir of Connection

Listening for the strengths of others also transforms how you listen. Here's how to do it:

Set the intention to notice the strengths of another. This changes how you engage in any relationship. From the beginning, you are primed for hearing strengths. This opens you up to a fresh way of seeing and being with others. To do this, you'll also need to practice not interrupting the other person. Just listen and let them share.

Get in the habit of identifying and naming strengths. If someone shares a funny story, that's the strength of humor. If someone is caring or thoughtful for another, that's the strength of kindness and compassion; if someone walks the dog, that's the strength of kindness; if someone is good at a task, that's the strength of discipline and mastery. It can be useful to start by identifying your own strengths. Many different strengths have been named and studied. As a fun exercise, how many can you name and write down?

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Share others' strengths. Let others know about strengths you notice. You can do this right in the moment, and it doesn't have to be obvious. It can be a simple statement such as, "I noticed how that [name strength here] made a difference," or, "How you acted with [name strength here] really is a wonderful coping skill. How did you learn that?"

When you let others share their story and recognize their strengths, you may be surprised how they open up. And, they will appreciate hearing your thoughtful and kind words.

Conclusion

I like to think of sharing strengths as a form of altruism and generosity. It represents a generosity of spirit and a gift that you're offering to another. To get started, make this an everyday practice and enjoy sharing strengths to build relationships in the coming days. What a wonderful way to learn about others, put your own strengths into action, increase your attraction quotient, and celebrate goodwill toward all.

My book Simply Mindful Resilience contains over 100 tools designed to build personal strengths of all kinds.