The Friendship Tightrope

TIghtrope Friends

Source: Lindsey Godwin/Dall-E/OpenAI

On the playground, I was a “lap maker.” While other kids sprinted to their best friends, I made my rounds—checking in with the tetherball crew, swinging by the jungle gym, and hopping onto the merry-go-round just long enough to chime in before moving on. I had “slide friends” and “sandbox friends,” and not all of them liked each other.

By high school, the pattern stuck. I floated between the band kids and my friends on the football team—two groups that rarely mixed outside of Friday nights. And now, as an adult, I still find myself in friendships with people who actively dislike each other. At work, in family circles, and in social groups—I’ll have dinner with one friend who can’t stand the person I’m meeting for coffee the next day.

In an era where political and social divides are sharper than ever, this situation has become almost inevitable. We’re constantly connected to people who wouldn’t dream of sitting at the same table. And while the usual advice is to set boundaries or stay neutral, I’ve found that managing friendships across divides takes a little more finesse.

So, how do you navigate this tricky terrain without losing your integrity—or your mind? Here are four lessons I have learned:

1. Accept That You’re Not the Human Venn Diagram

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that not all friendships have to overlap. When you genuinely like two people who dislike each other, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the bridge—the common denominator that proves they have more in common than they think.

Spoiler alert: That rarely works.

Friendships are not group projects. You don’t need everyone to get along in order to maintain individual connections. Positive psychology research suggests that strong social ties contribute significantly to well-being (Diener & Seligman, 2002), but that doesn’t mean all your relationships need to exist in the same space.

Think of your friendships as different playlists. Just because two songs exist in your music library doesn’t mean they have to be on the same playlist. And that’s OK.

Try this: Release yourself from the pressure of uniting people who don’t want to be united. Focus on cultivating strong individual friendships rather than trying to force harmony where it doesn’t naturally exist.

2. Beware of the Emotional Tug-of-War

When two people you care about don’t like each other, there’s often an unspoken expectation that you’ll pick a side—or, at the very least, validate their frustration. While empathy is important, constantly absorbing other people’s negativity can be exhausting and, frankly, is not your job.

Psychologist Susan David (2016) emphasizes the importance of emotional agility—the ability to navigate emotions in a way that aligns with our values rather than getting hijacked by other people’s reactions. If you find yourself caught in a vortex of complaints about someone you care about, take a step back.

Try this: When one friend starts venting about another, gently redirect the conversation. You might say, “I get that you’re frustrated, but I want to be mindful of how I show up for both of you.” This signals that you’re not here to referee their conflict, and it sets a respectful boundary without shutting them down.

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3. Embrace the Gray Area

We live in a culture that loves a clear villain and hero. But in real life, things are rarely that simple. If two people in your life have written each other off, it doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.

In fact, developing the ability to hold multiple truths at once is a sign of cognitive complexity, a trait associated with better problem-solving and emotional intelligence (Tetlock, 1986). You can acknowledge that one friend has a valid grievance while also recognizing that the other isn’t all bad.

Try this: Challenge the binary thinking that says, “If I support Friend A, I must disapprove of Friend B.” Instead, practice phrases like, “I see where you’re coming from, and I also value my relationship with them.”

4. Know When to Step Back (Without the Drama)

Sometimes, the best way to navigate friendships with people who aren’t friends is to know when to take a step back. Not all tension needs to be resolved, and sometimes distance is the healthiest option.

But stepping back doesn’t have to be dramatic. It doesn’t mean making grand declarations or cutting people off—unless doing so is what you need for your own mental health. It can simply mean adjusting your emotional investment, setting quiet boundaries, or choosing to spend less energy managing other people’s friction.

Research on stress and coping mechanisms suggests that actively choosing where to focus your energy can improve emotional resilience (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Instead of feeling trapped in the middle, remind yourself that you control where and how you engage.

Try this: If a friendship dynamic is causing you more stress than joy, experiment with stepping back rather than stepping in. Reduce engagement where necessary, but without making it a public affair.

The Takeaway: You Don’t Have to Be Super Glue

Being friends with people who aren’t friends with each other is a reality for many of us. And while it can feel like an awkward balancing act, it’s also an opportunity—an invitation to strengthen our boundaries, practice empathy without enmeshment, and accept that not all relationships need to overlap.

So if you find yourself, like I often do, caught between two friends who can’t stand each other, take a breath. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to justify your connections. And you certainly don’t have to be the glue holding everything together.

Just like my younger self on the playground making the rounds, I don’t think I was ever meant to stick to one group, one perspective, or one way of seeing the world. Maybe you weren’t either. And maybe that’s the beauty of it—friendships, like life, don’t always fit into neat little boxes. Our job isn’t to make everything (or everyone) fit but to find the spaces and people where we do.