Finding Light After Loss

When my dad called last week to tell me that my grandmother had passed away peacefully at the age of 98—the last of my grandparents—his voice was steady, practical, and to the point. He simply let me know, we talked for a moment, and then, as we wrapped up the conversation, he said:

"OK. Well... have a good day."

I sat there for a second, phone still in my hand, stunned. What?

Have a good day?

The words felt jarring, like he had accidentally switched scripts mid-sentence. My grandmother—his mother—had just died, and now we were casually transitioning to have a good day? It felt like emotional whiplash.

But after my initial reaction, something else settled in. My dad wasn’t saying it to dismiss grief. He wasn’t telling me to ignore the loss or pretend everything was fine. He was simply acknowledging something real: life keeps going. Even on the hardest days, we still get up. We still move forward.

Light after loss.

Source: Lindsey Godwin/Dall-E, used with permission

The Strange Duality of Loss

Grief is never just one thing. It doesn’t move in a straight line, and it doesn’t come with a clear, predictable script. Psychologists often talk about the dual process model of grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999), which explains that people oscillate between confronting their loss and continuing on with daily life.

In one moment, you’re overwhelmed with sadness; in the next, you’re making a grocery list. One second, you feel the weight of absence; the next, you’re laughing at a memory. It’s not disloyalty to the person who’s gone—it’s just how human beings process the impossible.

So when my dad said to have a good day, maybe it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. Maybe it was just an acknowledgment of that duality: Yes, she’s gone. And yes, you still have a whole day ahead of you.

The Permission to Grieve and Live

We have a strange relationship with grief in our culture. We tend to think of it as something we must pause life for—an emotional task to be completed before we can return to normal. But in reality, grief isn’t something we finish. It just becomes part of us.

This is why researchers studying continuing bonds theory (Klass, Silverman, & Nickman, 1996) suggest that maintaining a connection to lost loved ones—not just "moving on"—is an important part of the grieving process. We don’t leave people behind when they pass away; we carry them with us in new ways.

And that’s why "have a good day" hit differently. It wasn’t an instruction to forget. It was an invitation to continue.

So how do we navigate that balance? How do we give ourselves permission to grieve while also living the life still in front of us? Here are three ways to hold both realities at once.

1. Let the Mundane Moments Be Sacred

There’s something surreal about how normal life continues after someone dies. You still have to make dinner, answer emails, and take out the trash. It feels almost offensive that the world doesn’t stop.

But what if those ordinary moments weren’t distractions from grief but part of it?

Research on mindfulness and grief (Kabat-Zinn, 1990) suggests that being present in everyday tasks can be a way to process emotions, not avoid them. Making a cup of coffee, taking a walk, or even washing dishes can become tiny rituals that help us feel rather than suppress.

Try this: Instead of rushing through daily tasks, slow down. Notice them. Let them ground you. Pour your coffee and think about your loved one. Take a deep breath and let yourself be—without needing to fix or solve anything.

2. Find Ways to Keep Their Presence Alive

After losing someone, there’s a common fear: Will I forget them? The sound of their voice, their quirks, the small things that made them them—will those memories fade over time?

The research on continuing bonds (Klass et al., 1996) suggests that we don’t need to sever ties with the people we lose. Instead, we can carry them forward in new ways.

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Maybe it’s keeping a tradition alive, using a phrase they always said, or making their favorite meal. Maybe it’s simply talking about them—not in the past tense of who they were, but in the present tense of who they still are to you.

Try this: Think of one small way to keep their presence in your life. It doesn’t have to be big—just something that keeps their memory active in a way that feels right to you.

3. Let Yourself Have a “Good Day” Without Guilt

One of the strangest parts of grief is realizing that you’re allowed to laugh, have fun, and experience joy—even in the midst of loss. But sometimes, it can feel wrong.

Shouldn’t you be more sad? Shouldn’t you be more serious?

But here’s the thing: Feeling joy doesn’t mean you didn’t love them enough. Smiling doesn’t mean you’ve moved on. The people we love would never want their passing to mean that we stop living.

In fact, research on post-traumatic growth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004) shows that many people, after experiencing loss, develop a greater appreciation for life. Not because the grief goes away, but because loss reminds us of what truly matters.

So maybe my dad’s words were a gift. A quiet permission.

Yes, today is a hard day. And yes, you are allowed to have a good one, too.

Try this: Give yourself permission to enjoy something today. Even if it’s small. Even if it’s just a moment. Let it exist alongside the grief, rather than in opposition to it.

Final Thoughts: Holding Both: Grief and Good Days

When my dad ended that call with “have a good day,” I didn’t know what to do with it at first. But now, I think I understand.

Grief is heavy, but life keeps moving. Loss changes us, but it doesn’t have to stop us. And maybe, in the middle of it all, we can still have good days—not because we’re ignoring the pain, but because we’re carrying love forward.

So if you’ve lost someone and you’re not sure how to move through it, remember this: you don’t have to pick between grieving and living. You get to do both.

And today, even in the hardest moments, you’re allowed to have a good day.