Kind Words, Weird Feels: The Psychology of Compliments

Pervasive Inner Critic Dialogue

Source: DALL-E / OpenAI

As my new book, Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing It All, debuted and compliments started rolling in, my inner critic quietly pulled up a seat and muttered, "Let’s not get carried away."

My brain managed to downplay every kind word that came my way. For instance when one person said, “I couldn’t put it down,” my brain, ever ready to undermine the moment, whispered, “They’re just being kind.” Another reader told me, “Your writing is so powerful,” yet all I could think was, “They probably don’t want to hurt my feelings.”

No matter how kind or genuine the feedback, my inner dialogue seemed determined to find a way to dismiss it. It was like I was allergic to compliments, constantly downplaying what my co-authors and I worked so hard to create. Turns out, I’m not alone in feeling this way.

Why Compliments Make Us Squirm

For many, compliments are paradoxically both uplifting and unsettling. A kind word about our achievements, talents, or even our appearance can feel undeserved or insincere. This discomfort often stems from deep-rooted insecurities or the nagging voice of imposter feelings, which convince us that we aren’t as competent or worthy as others perceive.

Psychologists attribute this discomfort to cognitive dissonance—the mental tension that arises when our self-perception doesn’t align with how others see us. If you’re your own worst critic, hearing “You’re incredible at this” can feel jarring because it contradicts the narrative in your head that says, “I could have done better.”

This clash often leads to knee-jerk reactions, like deflecting (“Oh, it was no big deal”) or dismissing (“They don’t really mean it”). While these reactions might ease our initial unease, they also prevent us from fully embracing the positive impact of kind words.

Research suggests this struggle is particularly pronounced for women, who are often socialized to be modest and to focus outwardly on others. Compliments, then, can feel like spotlights exposing imagined imperfections. Layer on the pressure of perfectionism that women often feel, and even a well-meaning “You’re amazing!” can feel like a reminder of our perceived shortcomings.

Ironically (or maybe not), this is a dynamic I’ve explored deeply in my work, including the very book that sparked my feelings of vulnerability around praise. I guess it’s true: We often study what we most need to learn!

Why Learning to Accept Compliments Matters

Accepting compliments isn’t just about boosting your ego; it’s about fostering connection (Fredrickson, 2009). Compliments are small acts of kindness that say, “I see you. I value you.” By brushing them off, we unintentionally dismiss the giver’s thoughtfulness and vulnerability. Moreover, learning to accept praise can help us rewrite those internal scripts of self-doubt. When we practice embracing positive feedback, we affirm not only our worth but also the relationships that give life its richness.

How to Get Better at Receiving Compliments

If compliments make you squirm, remember you’re not alone, but there’s good news: You can train yourself to accept them with grace. Here are three practical strategies:

1. Say “Thank You” and Pause.The simplest way to respond to a compliment is with genuine gratitude. A heartfelt “thank you” shows you value the kind words without deflecting or diminishing them. Resist the urge to explain or downplay—just let the compliment land.

• Compliment: “You did an amazing job on this project.”
• Response: “Thank you! That means a lot to me.”

2. Resist the Deflection Trap. It’s tempting to redirect a compliment with phrases like, “Oh, it was nothing,” or “It was really a team effort.” While these responses may feel modest, they can unintentionally diminish the compliment and make the giver feel dismissed. Instead, try owning your contribution.

• Compliment: “Your presentation was so relevant.”
• Deflection: “Oh, I just got lucky with the timing of the topic.”
• Better Response: “Thank you! I’m glad you found it valuable.”

3. Reflect and Let It Sink In. Compliments often feel fleeting, but you can make them last. Take time to reflect on kind words, letting them settle in your mind. Writing compliments down can help, too—a “compliment journal” can remind you of your strengths on tougher days.

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• Compliment: “Your advice really helped me.”
• Reflection: Later, remind yourself, “My perspective made a difference.”

Reframing Compliments as Gifts of Connection

One way to shift your mindset is to view compliments as gifts. When someone offers kind words, they’re sharing their positive experience of you. Accepting a compliment graciously is like saying, “Thank you for this gift—I’ll treasure it.” This reframing can help you stop seeing compliments as judgments about your worth and start seeing them as bridges of connection. The next time someone offers you a kind word, try to embrace it—not just for your own benefit, but for the connection it creates. Compliments remind us that our actions and presence have meaning to others and can foster a sense of mutual appreciation and understanding.

For me, this shift is still a work in progress. When someone says, “Your book really spoke to me,” my inner critic might still whisper, “They’re just being polite.” But I’m working on quieting that voice and instead saying, “Thank you—that means so much to me.”

Accepting kindness may feel awkward, even unnatural at times, but it’s an opportunity for growth. When we let compliments sink in, we’re not just acknowledging our own value—we’re also honoring the person who offered them. In doing so, we create space for deeper connection, greater joy, and more confidence—not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.

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