Why Are We So Lonely? Tackling the Loneliness Epidemic

Last week, I talked to a group of university students about solutions to the loneliness epidemic. Loneliness is a subjective emotional state we experience when we lack meaningful social connections. While not the same as being physically alone, prolonged social isolation is a major contributor. Having meaningful social ties is central to our physical and mental health and we are highly motivated to find ways to achieve it. Unfortunately, the design of modern society works against us, and there is no single "cure-all" lever to pull. Social isolation can be amplified by many systemic things: urbanization, changing family structures, loss of trust in institutions and traditions, economic hardships, and increased use of digital communication (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2018). Systemic shifts don’t change overnight. However, the students all had questions about the impact of widespread digital communications use and the need to see if behavior change would improve a sense of connection.

Reviewing digital communication habits is especially important for young people as they are particularly vulnerable to loneliness. Adolescence and young adulthood are critical times for identity formation and social exploration. During this period, peer validation and social engagement are essential for developing social skills and constructing self-concept. Young people are also highly sensitive to the lack of social opportunities and can feel overwhelmed by rejection, isolation, and exclusion.

The Impact of COVID-19 on Social Development

During the pandemic, digital communication helped young people maintain friendships and a semblance of social engagement. However, it disrupted normal social experiences and daily routines (Orben et al., 2020). For young people, this meant missing crucial years of in-person social practice. The pandemic used up approximately 10% of an average teen's life. This is time they would have spent gaining real-world practice and developing social skills in group settings, like hanging out at the mall, going to school, and dating.

Social media is not the sole cause of loneliness, but it is part of the environment that shapes social interactions and self-image. During lockdown, virtual interactions kept people feeling connected. However, they also created new habits that normalized digital connections in socializing, dating, and building relationships.

Now, we must assess whether our pandemic-adaptive habits are still effective in supporting relationships and building connections today and which habits contribute to feelings of disconnection.

Moving From Automatic to Intentional Digital Use

Many heads nodded as we discussed how social anxiety can arise when we reconcile COVID-19 anxieties with the current environment, such as navigating campuses and classrooms, commuting to the office, standing in line at the grocery store, hugging acquaintances, or sitting beside a stranger in a movie theater. Some adapt easily. For others, especially introverts, these experiences require conscious readjustment.

Reinstating balance is hard when social media doles out rewards. Likes and comments trigger feel-good chemicals that mimic genuine social connections but do not create a sense of belonging. Habitual scrolling can suppress discomfort, but it can also unintentionally reinforce feelings of exclusion and inadequacy, amplifying feelings of loneliness and deluding us into thinking we are connected to others when we aren't.

Humans are adaptive. During COVID-19, we developed new habits of virtual connection. However, we didn’t have the normal opportunities to practice skills for in-person connection. It’s time to audit our behaviors and habits and see if our technology serves us well. Keeping a media journal is one way to track your technology use patterns to get a handle on what you use, when and why, and how it makes you feel. You have to know what you’re changing to make a change.

Support Young People in Navigating Social Discomfort

Change is especially hard when altering digital habits activates social anxiety and a lack of confidence in social skills. Feeling hesitant or fearing judgment—common concerns during adolescence—can increase socially-avoidant behaviors, leading to the choice of things like texting over talking in person.

While young people have become more open about mental health, admitting to loneliness, which implies a lack of friends, remains stigmatized. Addressing the loneliness epidemic means normalizing the idea that seeking social support is a strength. Helping young people recognize that they lost critical years to practice social skills can help remove feelings of inadequacy and encourage social confidence.

Loneliness Essential Reads

How Can We Save Democracy? Start With Neighbouring

How to Feel Less Alone

Move Toward Intention

Rather than demonizing social media, we should empower young people to take charge of their media use by identifying goals and developing self-management. Banning platforms or imposing strict limits fosters guilt and shame rather than critical thinking and digital safety. Encouraging intentional use fosters awareness and control.

Small Hacks Can Encourage More Meaningful Connection

Big changes come from a series of tiny habits (Fogg, 2020). Keeping a media journal can highlight the easiest places to upend habits with small hacks. Behavior change takes practice and is often uncomfortable, so be patient and compassionate.

• Engage in serendipitous connections. Take your earphones off and put your phone away when standing in line for coffee or at the grocery store to connect with others (Heng, 2023). Talking with people creates a shared experience, increases enjoyment, and also lightens burdens (like, will we EVER get through this line?)
• Practice mindfulness. Don't automatically take your phone into the bathroom, mailbox, or other places where you're filling dead space.
• Go shared, not solo. Turn screen time into social time. Turn solo video gaming into a game night or invite friends to a watch party rather than streaming alone.
• Establish device-free zones. Encourage conversation by making meals a phone-free zone. Have a “phone bedtime” when it goes off for the night.
• Plan ahead. Make a list of non-digital activities to turn to when you're bored before you reach for your phone.
• Prioritize real relationships. Let downtime trigger a call to a friend instead of mindless scrolling.
• Dampen Temptation. Make your phone less appealing by switching to grayscale mode, organizing apps into folders, and disabling non-essential notifications.

Relying on digital connections is just one factor in loneliness, but we can assess and manage it. Invest in yourself by monitoring your media habits for a few days to see how to use technology more intentionally. Take charge of your technology use in ways that enhance relationships. In doing so, you can replace feelings of disconnection with increased well-being.