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Masking
We Learn to Hide Under a Mask Early in Life
Always "doing fine": The perceived safety of masking can be costly.
Updated December 16, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Masking can be a generational pattern. Parents masking their struggles may inadvertently teach kids to mask.
- Masking can become an obstacle to authentic living and developing genuine relationships.
- Starting small and learning self-acceptance and unconditional self-regard can be the keys to unmasking.
Do you always say that you are “fine”? Do you push yourself to be “strong"?
And have you ever wondered why relationships feel so hard? Not just romantic ones, but friendships, work dynamics, and even casual conversations?
For years, I carried this nagging question: What’s wrong with me? I longed for closeness, yet there was a part of me holding back, second-guessing, waiting for the ground to crack.
And making sure I seemed “fine.”
The Weight of Childhood Masks
My parents did their best to take care of me, but they were also struggling. They were fighting battles they didn’t know how to name—unprocessed grief, deep childhood trauma of their own, depression, anxiety.
They did not know how to deal with these traumas. They did not know how to name them. Instead, they wore masks. Smiles stretched a little too tight. Reassurances that didn’t match the almost hidden tension in their voices.
Everything was fine, except it was not.
And somehow, I was contributing to that un-fineness any time I was not perfectly “fine.”
So, I learned to mask too.
I learned to pretend everything was fine, to hide my worries so I wouldn’t add to theirs. I learned to keep my needs small, to be quiet, to be "strong."
But the truth is, being "strong" was exhausting.
I spent so much energy trying to protect my parents—trying to hold them up emotionally—that I didn’t have any space to figure out how to hold myself.
But I did learn to hide. To always be “fine.” And it did help me survive then. It also made the connection harder. Scarier. Because authenticity—as much as I longed for it—did not feel safe. Masking can keep you safe in the moment, but it also keeps people at arm’s length. It can also keep us from knowing ourselves.
How Childhood Masking Shapes Adult Relationships
While masking our feelings and trying to fit in is strongly associated with neurodivergence, neurotypical people use masking as well. In the case of my family, there were likely both neurodivergent and neurotypical masking. Research shows that children of parents who mask their own emotions often internalize those patterns. Instead of learning that it’s OK to feel sad, angry, or scared, we learn to hide. Over time, this emotional suppression can lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulty building authentic relationships. Including a relationship with ourselves.
When parents are struggling with their own pain, even if they’re trying to shield their children from it, kids can sense it. As a result, many of us grow up learning to:
- Suppress our emotions: To avoid adding to our parents’ stress, we hide our own.
- Read the room constantly: We become hypervigilant to shifts in mood, scanning for signs of tension or trouble.
- Shrink ourselves: We learn to keep our needs small and manageable, believing that being "too much" might overwhelm others.
These habits often follow us into adulthood, shaping how we interact with others. Masking can feel like a survival skill, but it comes at a cost:
- Disconnection: When you hide your true feelings, people can’t connect with the real you. And we are disconnected from ourselves.
- Exhaustion: It’s draining to constantly monitor how you’re perceived.
- Loneliness: Even when surrounded by others, masking can make you feel profoundly alone.
But here’s the good news: these patterns do not have to be permanent. Just as we learned to mask, we can learn to unmask.
How to Start Unmasking
Peeling off the lifelong layers of masking is not easy. Here are the steps you can take:
1. Recognize the Mask
The first step is noticing when you’re hiding or denying your feelings. Ask yourself:
- Am I holding back out of fear of judgment?
- Am I pretending to be fine when I’m not?
- Am I being honest with myself?
Awareness is the foundation for change. And building an authentic relationship with ourselves is the key to our relationship with the world.
2. Start Small
You don’t have to bare your soul to everyone. Begin by opening up to one trusted person. Share a small piece of what you’re feeling and notice how it feels to let someone in.
3. Challenge the Belief That Vulnerability Is Weakness
Allowing yourself to be seen is a strength, not a flaw.
4. Seek Support
Trauma-informed therapy, coaching, or participating in a support group can be transformative for unpacking the emotional habits developed in childhood and carried through life.
5. Rebuild Your Emotional Muscles
Learning to understand our feelings takes practice. Journaling or exploring your physical reactions that are hard to name and understanding their connection to emotions can help us reconnect with what’s underneath the mask.
Hope for the Future
Unmasking is hard, and it doesn’t happen overnight. There are moments when it feels scary, even impossible, to let someone in. And to be real, not every person is a safe person. But each small step we take toward authenticity is a step toward the connections we’ve always longed for.
We don’t have to show every messy bit, all the time. We don't have to do anything drastic. Start small. Start by acknowledging your feelings, even if only to yourself. Celebrate yourself, even if only with yourself.
Start by trusting one person and sharing a piece of your story. Then one more person, one more piece. Share the imperfect, the scared, the brave, the real you. A small step, reciprocated, can start a dance of relating deeper and trusting more.
And keep reminding yourself that you do not need to “earn” love by presenting a mask. By being "fine" or "strong." You are worthy of love, period. Not because, not despite. You just are.
