How to Curb Complaining

Source: Prostock-Studio/iStock

What do you do when someone complains?

If you’re like many of us, you go along with it or even join right in.

I write a lot about using improv principles like “yes, and” in everyday life. That’s when you go along with what someone else is saying and then add some new information. But if we’re not mindful about how we’re “yes, and"-ing, we’re likely to get swept up in someone else’s negative venting.

Let’s look at why people complain, how we respond, and how we might handle these negative interactions more productively in the future.

Why We Complain

Mark Alicke led a study back in the '90s about complaining. The research team asked college students to record each time they complained and the response to their complaints over two three-day periods. They discovered that over 75% of complaints were non-instrumental, meaning the goal wasn’t to change anything. The top four reasons people complained were:

• Behavioral: Complaints about people’s behavior.
• Attitudes: Global statements about people, places, and things.
• Physical: Complaints about someone’s appearance.
• Fulfilling obligations: Statements about expectations or obligations not being met.

The average number of complaints was over four a day.

The team also asked subjects why they complained. Venting frustration was the main reason. But I have some bad news about venting.

The Problem With Venting

Numerous studies have shown that venting is not an effective strategy for improving our mental state. We often hear that we should talk about what’s bothering us, but plain old venting actually leads to more, not less, feelings of frustration.

People tend to react to venting by agreeing or joining in. And we tend to gravitate to people who join in and regard those people as supportive.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best response to venting. One study calls for us to be “challenger listeners.” Being a challenger listener means we should hear people out but then complicate their thinking about their complaints. This is often what a therapist does. They might ask you to think about someone else's perspective or point out blind spots in your reasoning.

Challenger listeners help people go from venting to problem-solving, which leads to change.

How to Be a Challenger Listener

I've written about some ways to help people feel seen and heard without personally getting swept up in their complaining in my book Play Your Way Sane. One exercise is called Plus Positive. That’s when you hear someone complaining and try to delicately add a positive into the conversation to shift the momentum of the venting.

Let’s say someone complains about how many snow days we’ve been having and how they are stuck at home with their kids and getting cabin fever. I might start by validating their experience. “It’s a lot to have to coordinate all these impromptu snow days. You seem over it!” Then I can try to add my “plus positive” by saying something like, “But I’m actually looking forward to making snow tunnels with the girls today. I strangely love making snow tunnels!”

Validating someone’s experience and feelings is important before you add something that’s not a complaint. Hopefully, this will allow you to connect while preventing you from getting swept up in unproductive venting.

And if you want to complain less, try doing what the subjects in the Alicke-led study did. Track all your complaints over a three-day period, why you complained each time, and how people responded. I think you’ll find it illuminating. Reflect on whether or not your complaints were instrumental (intended to cause change) and whether or not people were challenger listeners or enablers. Then make some changes and try it again.

Hopefully, these tools will help you curb complaining. And if all else fails, remind yourself that venting is not making you feel any better in the long run.

Good luck out there.

I got your back.