What If Versus What Is

Each of us, at some point in our life, has asked ourselves what if questions. For some of us, those questions become a way of life.

What-if orientation

Many of us who have struggled with addiction may have spent a lot of time wondering about what if. We may run through a carousel of questions, none of which can be answered. What if I never picked up my first drink or drug? What if I had not second-guessed myself at a crucial juncture in my life? What if my parents had treated me better?

These questions can run on an infinite loop. We become oddly attached to them and the answers that we imagine.

What if thinking is always accompanied by loss. We lose both the present and the future when we become stuck in that loop. When we are always looking back to our past, we risk getting stuck there. The past becomes more important—more real—than the present. We become unable to see the present clearly and accurately.

When we answer those what if questions, we tend to imagine only much better circumstances than our present ones. We imagine futures that are so much brighter and vivid. In doing this, we lose the present just as much as we did when we got stuck in the past. An imagined rosy future overshadows the present, which affects our willingness and ability to act in ways that could reshape both the present and the future. The future must always run through the present but what if thinking derails the present.

Resentment and grievance often trail what if thinking. We can become full of resentment and fire up the grievance engine when we get stuck in the past. We replay episodes and times of our lives that we have endowed with high importance. We also resent and grieve a future we may know on some level will elude us.

We fail to see that we are the ones who keep such a future just beyond our grasp. Instead, we shrink our world to the shape of our grievances and resentments.

What-is orientation

A what is orientation is living in acceptance. It is about taking the world on its own terms and acknowledging what we can and can't do to change our present situation. The past is the one thing none of us can change, so we don’t even try.

Not changing the past is not the same thing as standing in passive relationship to it. A person who accepts the present stands in an appropriate and active relationship to the past. They can learn from their past mistakes and achievements, draw from previous experiences, and find inspiration.

By standing in the right relation to both the past and the present, a person who lives with a what is orientation will stand in a much better relationship to the future. A person who lives in what is understands that their intentions, efforts, opinions, and judgments are in their control. Actions that spring from those may not be because of a host of external factors that are well beyond the control of any of us.

This acknowledgment that a person cannot control or fully shape their future does not breed passivity. To the contrary, it serves as a reminder that they do need to continue to act as if their actions will bring about a desirable outcome. Regardless of the outcomes, a person who lives by what is can accept the present and all the future presents to come.

As Epictetus (5-138 CE) wisely notes, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not but rejoices for those which he has.” The person living with a what is attitude not only knows he has everything he needs but it is grateful for all of it.

“All of it” includes the bitter and the sweet, the challenging and the easy, and the wins and losses. A what is orientation has gratitude at its center. Gratitude will always expand us and bring joy.