Anxiety
Forget Homeschooling, Add Pleasure, and Help Others
How to redefine education, anxiety, and family life during Covid-19.
Posted March 29, 2020 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Before I begin, let me call myself out. This post reeks of privilege, and it’s not even written yet. It reeks of privilege because it is written from a privileged position.
But that does not make it less relevant – in fact, it relates to many of us who are too ashamed to admit that our socioeconomic status impacts how we experience Covid-19. We are beyond lucky to not have to worry about food or shelter, but the stress at home is tenfold compared to our previous, already stressed situation. And our kids are suffering. Parents are suffering.
“The impact of Covid on my family was immediate. I am shouting. My kids are acting out. I don’t know how long I can do this?” a patient shared via Zoom. And unfortunately work is still not getting done. “Homeschooling is minimal at best (yet it still keeps me up at night), and I have yet to complete my work ‘to do’ list any day. And no end is in sight.”
One of my favorite quotes is “where you think you stand determines what you think you see” (George Engel). From what I am hearing from patients and friends (and what I am experiencing, on some level) is that those of us privileged to have stable jobs in this time of economic insanity feel that the pressure to perform is higher than usual, while the floor of support dropped out. Many modern families constantly teeter on some precarious scale that balances the division of financial, emotional, family, and physical labor. It's a finely tuned process that could topple at any moment. And, a wind blew.
“My nanny does sports and dinner. I do bedtime and breakfast. And my partner covers meals and birthday parties on the weekend. And now – I am responsible for all of it. And I have to work. I feel like I could get laid off any day. I am hanging on by a string and am constantly exhausted. When my family and friends are losing jobs all over the place, this is no time to screw around.”
But kids are at home and now not only do parents have to keep them safe, they are responsible for their education, and feeling the intense pressure. The reality is that they are spending the time refereeing, trying to get kids to focus (unsuccessfully), and yet the burden remains. Guilt and pressure build, with no other outlet. Domestic violence escalates.
Padlet, Marco Polo, and Zoom are all common words with which we became familiar within the past few weeks. Kids 'zooming' their class feels oddly familiar although we didn’t even know what that was a few weeks back. Parents are online, too – ‘video off’ when possible so they can multitask and prep dinner or keep kids off screens while they pretend to care about a work meeting.
Our culture was already stressed. The world of modern families and parenting was extended beyond our limit – and now we lost support and added the responsibility of educating our children too.
“Our homeschooling schedule is working!” Images of children reading beyond their grade level and home volcanoes exploding are plastered over social media. What is not shown are the picture of parents on the brink of losing their mind. Couples fighting. Kids melting down. But that’s the unspoken reality of Covid: The modern family dynamic completely upended.
“When do they go back to school?? Please, please, please let the curve flatten. And my jerk neighbors – just stay inside! You are killing me with your quasi-social distancing fire pit party.”
People don’t have control, or perceived control, and that is bad for mental health.
Let’s step back for a moment. If we think and assess critically, of course our physical health takes precedent. If we die, nothing else really matters, right? Right. But one degree behind that are financial and mental health, which are barely being addressed. Thankfully a stimulus plan was released but there is still so much uncertainty and that does not fix the problem.
“I can socially distance and wash my hands a million times/day, but I have zero control over if I am laid off, or if my spouse dips into a depression. Is it terrible if my hope is that he is ‘just’ incredibly irritable and not present rather completely depressed? Those are my options right now? Crap. This brings me back to days of having babies – the resentment and frustration of being ‘the default parent.' I am in charge of everything. He has no clue of the privilege he has tucked away in the office, oblivious to our life falling apart, as he worries about the financial world crashing around us. I pretend to care that the Dow Jones dropped a bajillion points, but I don’t. I know it affects me – but my kids are whining, and their anxiety is so much more in my face, and unavoidable. Our first post-Corona fight was about how to prioritize our work schedule. He reminds me he ‘has to work’ because he makes ‘80% of our income.’ I argue a bit, mentally castrate him, and go to bed exhausted. The thing is – he is right. I start again in the morning. I desperately seek moments of solitude that are few and far between. Wine helps, at times. Screens help – but I have to pay the piper eventually.”
This is the unspoken story of Covid. Yes, there is plenty to be grateful for – spring is sorta here, we have food, I am alive, I don’t have Corona (or at least I don’t feel anything) – but life sucks now, I am pretending it is okay, and the most difficult part is the uncertainty. We can do anything for a period of time, but the not knowing is slowly and persistently taking our mental health. This is the story of the many mothers I see and talk to these days. So, what to do?
At my clinical consultation meeting last week, we debated how to help people manage anxiety and panic when the usual approach is to rationalize the irrational fear. There is no playbook when the fear is rational and widespread.
The thing is, though, that we (as a broader culture) have gone through pandemics, crises, and disasters – and survived. And have lived good lives during periods of terror. C.S. Lewis was quoted on The Daily last week and has a beautiful piece that speaks to this. What was learned is that we have to find a way to keep on living, and living fully. It isn’t about rationalizing away the fear, it is about seeking pleasure, very consciously. The pursuit of pleasure to live a life full of meaning and vitality remains a noble goal. As we learn day by day, to manage Covid, try these few tips:
- Release yourself from the guilt of homeschooling. The reality is, your kids are not going to learn a ton right now. The structure is what is important. Build that in a way that makes most sense for your family. And redefine education: Learn to cook, do laundry, build empathy for people outside your walls—all of these are educational. The kids have many years of sitting in a classroom ahead of them.
- We are in a cultural trauma. If we look to trauma research, we know it’s a safe and caring relationship that is protective, not how much math they learn. Prioritize your own emotional regulation to foster connection.
- Focus on what is at hand. Stay in the moment. Of course, a little structure helps bind anxiety, but be flexible with yourself and your children. Do what works and manage what is in front of you. We all get a pass right now. If someone disagrees, maybe they need a dose of empathy towards them.
- Instead of focusing on fear and anxiety, add moments of pleasure very consciously, every day. It could be family dinner, a bath, a book or movie, a few minutes alone, a romp with your partner – things you might not have the opportunity to generally do under normal circumstances.
- Things are bad for us. It’s true. It’s valid. And it is a lot worse for others. How can you look outside of your own fear and ask yourself, “How can I help others who really need it now? How can I involve my kids?” This too is learning, the most important kind, in fact.
- Work locally: Give blood (there is a shortage now), donate food (people are hungry), and deliver groceries to your aging neighbor (they need help).
- Think globally, too. Parenting is hard. Connect with mothers who have much fewer resources. Expand your circle of concern. (USA for IOM and UNHRC)
- Lastly, go easy on yourself. It will feel better and make it better for everyone. Your kids are watching and learning how to cope. Do for yourself what you would tell them to do.
