Am I an Emotional Grownup?

Today, I'm going to suggest four steps that can help you become what I term "an emotional grownup." But what does that mean?

Perhaps it's knowing that you've figured a lot of things out and are no longer following adolescent impulses. Maybe you can be more objective about yourself and others. Or you feel competent to take care of your own needs, as well as the needs of others who count on you.

Feeling grown up can be all of these things and more. But one key attribute of true emotional maturity is the recognition of early coping strategies that may have served you extremely well as a child — in fact, may have been vital to your emotional survival — but are no longer achieving that purpose today.

Some people luck out in childhood... but some do not

I hope you lucked out and had mature parents who'd somehow managed to learn how to love, discipline, and guide you without being cruel or manipulative. They were people whose inner integrity shone through despite whatever weaknesses or vulnerabilities they had. They were committed to helping you grow and learn; they sheltered you, and then, when the time came, supported your journey into your own adult life.

Maybe you got some version of that. If you did, you have a pretty good chance of having some healthy emotional strategies for living.

But maybe you didn't.

Maybe you were born into poverty, with parents who were so constantly worried about putting food on the table that they didn't pay much attention to you. Maybe one or both parents were alcoholic, and you shuddered when you heard the first pop of a beer can. Perhaps your dad disappeared, or your mom was vicious. Or maybe you were coddled and spoiled, because one lonely parent needed you to be there for them. Perhaps you were pushed to achieve, because your parent needed you to make them look good.

Children devise unconscious strategies to stay emotionally safe

Somehow, you survived. Your childhood self came up with a way to cope and to gain as much emotional safety as you could.

You got odd jobs at nine years old, trying to get approval. You tiptoed around when Dad was drunk, attempting to be invisible. Maybe you became a pleaser in hopes Mom wouldn't get too mad. Or you stayed after school as long as you could, immersing yourself in football, yearbook, or student government so you wouldn't have to go home. Perhaps you had sex at thirteen, insecure but craving attention. You hid things from a nosy, smothering parent, just to have your own life.

So, you coped. You did the very thing you needed to survive your challenges at the time.

But what happens when you become an adult?

When childhood strategies keep you tethered to the past

Many of us don't change our strategies; rather, we keep on living like we did as children, believing those same behaviors will bring satisfaction and safety — not even realizing they no longer fit.

Pleasers keep trying to please. Overachievers become workaholics. Invisible children become invisible adults, avoiding conflict. Children who had no control become secret keepers.

So, how do you figure this out?

Four compassionate steps to help you emotionally grow up

1) Identify the stress of what you were dealing with.

What was the stress in your family or culture? What were the things that were hardest to handle? Or that perhaps caused fear.

2) Recognize the strategy (or the "rules") you used to stay safe emotionally or even physically.

Remember yourself as a child and have compassion for how it felt to be you. What did you do to try to feel loved, secure, or safe? What rules did you learn to abide by? Or what role did you play? A patient once told me that her job in the family was to make her very drunk dad laugh, so he wouldn't be abusive.

So, as an adult, she kept using humor for protection. It had become her armor. She was quick with a joke but reluctant to have deep interactions with others in which she might feel truly seen.

3) Identify the beliefs you formed about your role with others and with your world.

That could be, "I'm not worth being loved." Or, "I have to be the best." Or. "My job is to take care of others." If you still are living by that engrained belief, it can cause chaos.

Walker, who was abused as a child, was told, "You're never going to amount to anything." His emotional survival strategy was to believe, "I'll be successful, no matter what." He was a super achiever as a student, receiving a scholarship to a highly-rated school.

Who was Walker now? A highly successful entrepreneur, who sadly looked at me, and said, "I have everything anyone could ever want. But I feel the need to make more and more money. I don't know how much is enough to shut that voice up in my head."

4) Risking change.

Look around your life for examples of how and when you're still following old rules. It could be anything; perhaps you want to wear your hair short but don’t because you were mocked by school bullies for having big ears. You know it's "silly" and you want to risk change.

Or maybe you don't allow others to help you because you still believe your job is to take care of everyone else. Yet you also feel ready to ask for that help.

Or perhaps you don't reveal grief because it was necessary to hide your own suffering from a father who thought expressing sadness was a sign of weakness. Yet you're tired of grieving alone and long to talk about what you're really experiencing.

Maybe some of the rules are keepers; they work for you in a constructive way.

Yet it may be time. It may be time to realize the rules that are old, paralyzing, and need to be discarded. And you can enjoy the freedom of emotionally growing up.

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