Self-Oriented Perfectionism Is Obsessed With Status

The influence of self-oriented perfectionism on relationships is seldom explored or discussed. You’ll find a plethora of articles on how it affects the individual subscriber, citing the effects of excessively high standards for oneself on one’s long-term motivation, self-esteem, and passion for one’s work. Those articles consistently relate this form of perfectionism back to oneself. The problem, however, is that the preoccupation with self continues with a further preoccupation with self. “How does this affect me?” is the perfectionist’s seminal question. Missing from their perspective is a concern with others.

Preoccupation With Status

Self-oriented perfectionism is, at bottom, a preoccupation with status, or conditional self-acceptance based on it. Perfectionists are social climbers. By itself, status seeking isn’t good or bad. But perfectionists crave it. Articles that address it often do so in a skittish manner, avoiding offending the perfectionistic reader. Unfortunately, by avoiding this aspect of perfectionism, the aid misses the mark, which is the perfectionist’s dual need for and fear of people, their ambivalence. While self-oriented perfectionism contributes to deteriorating mental health, it’s important to understand what sacrifices the perfectionist makes and why, and how they contribute to their symptoms as well.

Most perfectionists will gladly tell you how much pride they take in their independence. They can go on and on about how little they need others. Yet, behind their words, one senses a desperate need for approval, the awareness of which is usually dulled. In particular, this becomes evident through an exploration of what status means to them. Claiming to be independent on one hand, self-oriented perfectionists will also note how important it is to them to be considered elite or, going even further, the best. And while they may tell you that being the best has nothing to do with how others perceive them, it seems important that others know them mainly, if not only, by their qualifications—they frequently speak about their past and future achievements. Status seeking is, therefore, explained in a way that feels more palatable to the perfectionist, if it’s even ever really acknowledged as a core goal. It’s not so bad if it’s only done for oneself, which is both untrue and impossible; we live in a society that creates and maintains its hierarchies.

State of Ambivalence

Perfectionists are then often trapped in a state of ambivalence, consciously isolating themselves from others to pursue their goals while, unconsciously, seeking approval and admiration. And so much is lost in that time. This pursuit was perfectly, no pun intended, captured in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, a story about a desolate social climber who attempted to fully recreate himself to both fit in and stand out—fit in with the upper class and stand out from the rest of society. It’s a tale of obsession, which ultimately brings about the destruction of the protagonist, who's devoured by it. Jay Gatsby interpreted high status as love, security, comfort, and freedom, failing to note its underbelly—deceit, self-centeredness, greed, and obsessiveness—which he certainly partook in. By denying the bad, he drove himself into a deeper hole until it swallowed him. In the end, he provides the ultimate sacrifice, his life, after which there’s nothing; no love, no approval, not even the reward of others attending his funeral.

Those perfectionists who are able to admit their preoccupation (meaning those who choose to peek outside of their obsessions) often struggle with several forms of ambivalence, especially in the form of morality. They ask themselves: What am I willing to do to reach this plateau? What if I hate lying, and what if I’ll feel like I have to? Additionally, they may ask: And what would happen to all of my friendships? Perfectionists often already have relationships with people who love them and even admire them. But, perfectionists chronically tend to feel dissatisfied, devaluing what they already have as it ceaselessly fails to match their utopian visions. So, as they climb the proverbial ladder, they have to grapple with the likelihood that gain implies loss; the higher they climb, the more people they’ll lose. Some they may lose due to other commitments and lack of time. And others may be lost due to differing values.

Perfectionists have a strong tendency to relate others back to themselves, meaning that others only have meaning to them as they relate to them. So, for example, rather than perceiving John as an individual with his own dreams, fears, and idiosyncrasies, John may be solely or mainly perceived by their partner as being their boyfriend. John, therefore, is merely a means to an end. He may be needed for reassurance or even more practical aid, especially related to the perfectionist’s goals. But John’s inner world is hardly considered.

Referring back to The Great Gatsby, there’s a pivotal scene where Daisy tells Jay that he wants (and, she implies, demands) too much and, just as he told Nick he believed his life would perpetually progress, he rejects her take on his reality. His reality was whatever he said it was, just as he defined others and their roles. The perfectionist, in the never-ending quest for control, security, and self-esteem, chronically fails to account for competing perspectives and others’ needs. Thus, on the climb up, he slowly loses them. Sometimes, he needs to experience the losses for them to matter, but he also needs to be able to acknowledge how his pursuits are likely to affect his relationships generally, in addition to his cynicism, which is often a projection (those who most vehemently profess that others don’t love them are, sometimes, themselves unable, and afraid, to love). Jay sacrificed others while erroneously believing that perfectionism had some end to it, magically transforming his way of relating by way of it. But only we can fix that; perfectionism can’t fix us or our relationships. Obsessing and perfecting have no end.