The Shame of People-Pleasing

Humans have a strong tendency to overcorrect. Perfectionists, in particular, overcorrect by forcing themselves to become different versions of themselves, or fundamentally different people. Disdaining weakness in general, they often enter treatment to attempt to eliminate all of it. In my experience, one of the more glaring and repugnant perceived weaknesses is people-pleasing, the tendency to go above and beyond to make others feel comfortable and/or happy. Perfectionists, who wish to conceive of themselves as hyper-independent, tend to reject, project, minimize, and deny that part of themselves. Yet, despite their insistence that they don’t care what others think of them, people-pleasing remains at the core of their personalities.

Perfectionists tend to hate how much they need people, as they infer some sort of moral failing from it. Yet, with respect to their disposition, the reality is somewhat fixed. Dr. Thomas Boyce outlined it in his groundbreaking book on sensitive children, The Orchid and the Dandelion. Boyce wrote, "The orchid child is the child who shows great sensitivity and susceptibility to both bad and good environments in which he or she finds herself or himself.” Therefore, the orchid kid isn’t just codependent on people; more broadly, they’re hyper-reactive to their environments on the whole, significantly influenced by various aspects of them. This distinction may help alleviate some of the shame felt around people-pleasing and feeling inferior to others because one depends on their approval more than the opposite.

Learning to accept one’s temperament, or innate character, is the foundation of managing the tendency to people-please. When your environment feels so meaningful, completely discontinuing to care about others’ opinions of you feels like an unreachable goal. So, instead, it would better serve the people-pleaser to work within the framework, and limits (those repulsive weaknesses), granted to them. In therapy, we often work on exploring the beliefs underlying the shame of people-pleasing. What makes this particular “weakness” stand out? Is it possible that its opposite, not caring what others think, is a weakness in itself or at least contains flaws? Due to black and white thinking, idealizing and devaluing in this respect, the perfectionist glorifies hyper-independence while failing to note its antisocial qualities. Hyper-independent people tend to be difficult to work with; they tend to be lonely; they struggle with asking for help; and they often lack empathy, in part due to their limited contact with others. Is this a state that we should aspire to, and, if so, what makes it inherently better than people-pleasing?

Often, perfectionists magnify the traits that contrast with their own (in addition to devaluing their own). So, with respect to people-pleasing, they fail to note its prosocial features. People-pleasers tend to collaborate well with others; they make sure that others feel comfortable and safe; they take the time to understand the sources of disputes instead of aggressively reacting to being challenged; and they possess a strong ability to empathize with others. With that said, this doesn’t imply that people-pleasing shouldn’t be adjusted; we can’t constantly forgo our own needs to serve others. But people-pleasing should be navigated, not cured—this is an important point.

When people-pleasers are harmed emotionally, they tend to be upset with both parties, the perpetrator and themselves, hating themselves for, again, caring. So, while they may apologize or continue a relationship as is, inwardly, they may feel inferior, on the one hand, and indignant, on the other. Our perfectionist patients, in these instances, will say things like, “I wish I could just tell him off,” which implies the desire to become a different person. Yet, telling anyone off is often ineffective at best and catastrophic at worst, except for rare cases. So, it may be more effective to lean into one’s tendency to people-please. What would you want the other person to know about how you feel about them?

Here, we can begin by noting the importance of the relationship, specifically, or, for example, noting the importance of one’s professional relationships with respected colleagues, broadly. People-pleasers often feel shame around being disingenuous, so I would advise you to say whatever feels true to you about some relationship. People-pleasing doesn’t necessarily have to entail lies, and when it doesn’t, again, it’s prosocial. Continuing, we can tell the other individual how some action made us feel while also noting the importance of maintaining a relatively positive relationship with them.

People-pleasers often fear being ridiculed, which is, in large part, why they utilize perfectionism. Unfortunately, it’s possible that you’ll be met with scorn and be perceived as weak. So, it will be up to you to assess how much that would matter to you and in your life, essentially, whether the risk is worth it. But it’s also important to observe the evidence. Has the other individual ever reacted in the way feared? Do you have examples? And are there counterexamples indicating a desire for conflict resolution?

More often than not, people-pleasers at once want others to like them while, at the same time, wishing to believe that others’ actions don’t negatively affect them. But pride is a mere cover for shame, which, again, does little more than contribute to rejection, projection, minimization, and denial.