Perfectionism and the Excessive Need for Control

One of the most debilitating and isolating aspects of perfectionism is the deep-seated need for control, which presents itself in various parts of one’s life and in several ways. The perfectionist can take on too much responsibility at work. They often avoid creative endeavors, even if they’re exceptionally talented, due to their unpredictable outcomes. And an excessive need for control often manifests in relationships, since people by nature are highly unpredictable. Paul Hewitt, a leading researcher in the field of perfectionism, noted that, to these individuals, perfectionism is the only “way of being secure and safe in the world.” It’s all or nothing.

Excessive Need for Control

As with other self-defeating patterns, the excessive need for control is often masked. At work, it may be transformed into an issue of competence. Perfectionists often claim they know best and, unfortunately for them, need more control because their colleagues are less competent than they are. Some believe that creative risks would be fruitless for them because others can’t acknowledge the high quality of their skill set. And, in relationships, control can be masked by a sense of altruism, where one believes they’re serving their partner.

With self-defeating behaviors, we often see what we want to see, which is what makes them so problematic. And because one feels as though they can’t function without full control, alternatives are frequently dismissed out of hand. So, much of the work in treatment entails a closer look at the sources of, beliefs around, and life trajectories associated with a preoccupation with control. And, it entails a reckoning with one’s tendency to rationalize, minimizing or completely discounting the negative aspects of their compulsions.

Sense of Self

It isn’t much of a surprise that a compulsion to dominate is associated with a tendency to continue to hold oneself and one's actions in high regard if we acknowledge that an excessive need for control is, at bottom, closely associated with one’s sense of self. We see what we want to see in order to continue to feel good about ourselves. So, addressing this compulsion implies the development of humility, a more or less accurate assessment of yourself and your choices. You can begin by asking yourself if your decision to take on more responsibility is serving some greater good or if it’s fundamentally merely reducing your worries.

In the context of work, this may mean that you involve others, asking them whether they believe the team would benefit from you stepping back. It can also mean others presenting alternative plans to consider. Affording others the space to criticize you may help you reframe your belief that they always need you to lead and your other belief that you’re only valuable if you’re in complete control. In the context of your personal relationships, you can ask your partner or friend how altruistic they believe you are. Over-explaining is a good example of control masked as altruism. While it may feel as though your interlocutor would benefit from more information, over-explaining is more often than not a way to control the narrative. You over-explain, in part, because you believe your painstakingly detailed explanation can’t, reasonably, lead to an interpretation opposed to yours. However, others have the right to be wrong and the right to deny or reject information. Over-explaining entails a captive audience much of the time, as others often don’t want or need more data to make up their minds. So, what feels like it’s done for another is, in reality, self-serving.

The question of self-esteem, however, will inevitably arise. How can one maintain a stable sense of self through this upheaval? This is where the more difficult part of the work begins because one learns to take on a degree of responsibility that’s less compulsive and more considered. In her wonderful New Yorker article, journalist Leslie Jamison wrote, “In many cases, a frustrated desire for parental acceptance has produced a tyrannical taskmaster driven by a false conditional: If I am perfect, then I’ll be loved.” So, to be loved for being perfect is to be lovable. The perfectionist can only accept the love of another if that love is solely a response to perceived perfection. In other words, being loved in spite of or even because of one’s flaws is unacceptable, as it’s discarded as untrustworthy and useless.

In essence, the work of perfectionism is in equal parts about changing one’s attitude about control and accepting imperfect love, which itself is based on imperfection. We heavily curate our images and attempt to control others’ reactions when we degrade this form of love. Toward the end of her article, touching on treatment for perfectionism, Jamison argued, “One doesn’t have to be perfect; one just has to matter to someone.” I would add, one also has to value mattering. For many perfectionists, becoming special (i.e., superior to others in one or more meaningful ways), as opposed to important (i.e., mattering to them), is the only goal worth pursuing. Most of the time, the perfectionist already matters but refuses to allow that to matter to them.