The Healthy Version of Overthinking

Psychoanalyst Carl Jung defined narcissism as the preoccupation with others’ opinions of you. Therefore, when most of us think of its antidote, we think of the platitude demanding us to stop caring what others think of us. While there’s some truth to this, it’s a largely mistaken piece of advice; for, in reality, we need to care more, not less, about others’ perspectives. To care about something is to perceive it as external to you, existing largely outside of your control, and to deeply value it nonetheless. When many of us say we "care a lot" about what others think of us, we mean that we desperately want them to hold us in high regard because we believe they must think as we do in order for us to like ourselves.

Narcissism is widely considered to be a strong preoccupation with one’s self and self-image; through it, others become mere mirrors of one’s status and innate value. So, narcissism implies the constant need for a clean mirror, which, reminiscent of the magic mirror in Snow White, exists only to remind its owner of their majestic nature; it serves no other purpose (and I emphasize the word “owner” here). However, it’s a mistake to think that these individuals “care” about others’ opinions. It’s more accurate to say, like the magic mirror, they’re merely useful until they aren’t, when their truths are no longer desirable.

Most of us believe that wanting to be liked is a good thing, but, like anything else, it depends. Being liked for who you are is different from being liked for your performance. Moreover, respecting another enough to allow them to form a reality-based opinion of you is different from merely using their opinion of you to reflect a positive but distorted image. For the individual struggling with narcissism, people are tools utilized to prop up a fantasy, a play based on a combination of lies and naivety. “I want them to like me” isn’t equivalent to “I respect them.” This is a hard truth for many to swallow. And “I like them because they like me” isn’t equivalent to “I love them."

To respect or love another implies the acceptance of a distinct set of needs, preferences, values, and beliefs; it implies the possibility and tolerance of being disliked. What happens when the narrative isn’t about you? What if we were to make another, at least for a period, the centerpiece of the relationship? What if instead of winning them over, we granted them the space and information needed to make their minds up about us? Unfortunately, narcissism can easily take what’s often good and spin it (and, vice versa, spin the not-so-good), which is what it does with the sometimes benign state of admiration. Being admired can be good but is less so when you refuse to admire another in return; for some, the drive for power always supersedes love’s potential.

Patients often ask me, “Isn’t improving my self-esteem a good thing?” Again, it depends. People with low self-esteem tend to overcorrect and pursue a flawless sense of self (i.e, perfectionism), which means, to avoid regressing, they obsess over maintaining an unsustainable self-image. Clarity, meaning, and linear thinking are all worthy pursuits, but not when a large dose of reality is sacrificed for them—and, especially, not when others are sacrificed for them, too.

To truly concern oneself with another and to care about what they think of you implies something other than them accepting your curated presentation. Caring about their opinions means affording them time to form them, allowing them to disagree with your self-concept, seriously considering their critical feedback of you and even using it at times, and tolerating their distorted beliefs about you (which is different from tolerating discrimination, a societal problem, which is less personal and therefore requires an intervention). When existential philosopher Simone de Beauvoir advised us to treat others not as objects but as subjects-in-themselves, this is what she meant; in essence, she implored us to treat their opinions of us as individuals, whatever they may be, with due respect, even if we dislike and disagree with them.

People are allowed to dislike us and, more so, are allowed to be wrong about us. It can be both liberating and life-enhancing to accept these.

We can continue to overthink, or care a lot about what others think of us, but not if the implication is an obsession with winning everyone’s approval. (Here, overthinking implies trying our best to be considerate, respectful, and genuine, more so than one may normally be, as opposed to just trying hard to get our needs met). Self-esteem is fragile because it’s built on a narrative, which is, by its nature, fragile. “Who am I really?” is a question that often pops up in treatment, yet its elusive nature remains unchallenged. Self-esteem implies the certainty of self, or self-assurance, which is impossible to grasp, at least in any realistic manner.

The best we can do is challenge our tendency to create deeper narratives around our lives, what’s commonly known as main character syndrome. Instead, we can focus on respecting others, handling rejection well, appreciating our achievements without aggrandizing them and expecting them to lead to perpetual progress, reminding ourselves that we can know ourselves in the moment (largely based on others’ reactions to us) but will never be able to form a concrete and coherent sense of who we are, and accepting that whatever self-concept we have is incomplete and flawed at best due to the immense amount of data, which is often inconsistent.

To not care about what others think is just as problematic as using them only to feel good. Fundamentally, others have to matter, not just for what they can do but also for who they are. It’s true that we shouldn’t care what they think if we’re presenting a “false self,” because their perspective is then inaccurate. But people want to like others and be liked, so it makes sense to want them to like you.