The Anxiety of Asking for Help

Asking for help implies a need, which, in turn, implies a vulnerability. Often, conflict occurs in relationships when one partner expects and feels entitled to the other anticipating their needs. When that doesn’t happen, they may lash out, believing that their partner doesn’t care enough about them to take responsibility for their relationship. If the initial partner is then told that their standards for them are too high, they may become defensive, responding, “I shouldn’t have to ask; you should just know.”

Perfectionism, in a nutshell, is a cognitive structure that protects one from the knowledge of their weaknesses. For the most part, it serves to keep one’s shame and true sense of self away from them. It’s a way to pretend. And the perfectionist does this by doing more and thinking less. Comfort is maintained as long as the system operates smoothly. Having to ask for help, however, disrupts it. Thus, romantic partners are frequently left mystified, wondering if they should have known better. In couple’s therapy, for example, they often learn several things about the perfectionist, which include why they struggle to ask for help and why they feel resentful when they need to. Below are several of those reasons.

1. Displaced Anger

Due to excessive pride, perfectionists loathe having to need someone. When someone else is helping them without them asking, they can dismiss the help as “everyone is doing their job.” Yet, when they have to ask for it, it feels as though they aren’t doing theirs adequately. The perfectionist carries with them the shame of their limitations. Asking for help highlights their inability to complete a task on their own. However, since shame and self-directed anger feel intolerable, they tend to project it outward. The implicit thought here is: “It isn’t that I’m ashamed of feeling weak; it’s that I’m angry at you for being inconsiderate.”

2. Standard of Masculinity

Men tend to struggle with asking for help because they believe “real men” don’t need to. Some perfectionists struggle with black-and-white thinking and thus hold rigid beliefs about manhood. Asking for help is thought of as an inferior, and again weak, quality. “If I’m truly capable, I should be able to do it myself.” In their more somber moments, they may say something like: “How do you think I feel having to ask for help?” The implication is that it’s their partner’s job to isolate them from feeling helpless.

3. Fear of Abandonment

Since perfectionists often believe others hold them to the standards they hold themselves to, anger at their partner is a way to suppress their anxiety of being perceived as weak and, therefore, abandoned. The implicit thought is: “It isn’t me who’s weak or needy, it’s you who is, again, inconsiderate."

Having to ask for help can feel threatening, so some perfectionists react with anger, pushing the threat away by attempting to make sure their partner learns to mind-read for similar instances in the future. If they can, the perfectionist can sustain their internal image of strength. (In work settings, perfectionists may believe that they'll be perceived as incompetent and be fired.)

4. Fear of Rejection

Perfectionists tend to hate taking risks associated with their self-image. Another threat to self-image is the possibility of being told no. To the perfectionist, being told no likely means that the other doesn’t actually care about them and considers them unworthy of their time. The implicit thought is often: “They don’t care about me because they think I’m weak.”

Rejections carry deeper meanings about the state of the relationship. It can’t be that a no is just a no; it frequently implies much more about that individual’s perspective.

5. Loss of Power

For some, asking for help implies a loss of independence or even influence. This anxiety relates to pride but has practical implications as well. The implicit thought here is: “If I need them now, what will I owe them later?” Perfectionists prefer a debt-free life, and needing others entails a responsibility to them. So, perfectionists tend to feel threatened when receiving aid, left feeling anxious about the potential favors they’ll have to return or even the privileges they’ll lose.

The Importance of Asking for Help

Asking for and receiving help is a vital part of a healthy relationship. On the one hand, it creates a sense of trust through reliability. On the other, it fosters a feeling of significance for both parties—the helper and the receiver. We feel that we matter to each other, which makes us feel closer. Rugged individualism stifles communication and prolongs conflicts. It’s one thing if your partner genuinely refuses to help you most of the time; it’s another when you’re chronically terrified of asking for their aid. For couples therapy to be meaningful, the perfectionist needs to confront their beliefs about what could happen if they need help.