Is Being a People-Pleaser the Same as Being a Good Person?

Your value isn't solely determined by how happy you make others.

I've written about the downside of being the hero and argued that doing so doesn't necessarily imply that one is a good person. The same can be said about the hero's partner, the people-pleaser. We often consider both constructs as indicators of virtue. Our culture idealizes the protectors and saviors, who are usually men in these depictions. And it idealizes the women who sacrifice, or people-please. Yet, beneath the surface of the latter is often a simmering rage and stubbornness, a hyper-independence that betrays people-pleasing, fundamentally, as a survival strategy.

As the hero seeks out acclaim, the pleaser searches for comfort. While most of us would consider someone who always makes others happy as good, we miss the intentions behind the pattern and even the decisions which remain out of sight. How often do they actually do what they say they're going to? It's a crapshoot, in fact. If the pleaser is able to evade notice, often, they fail to honor requests and, more frequently, don't heed demands. In a nutshell, they're likely to agree to do what you ask, but, if they can get away with it, do what they want to instead.

People-pleasing is less about substance and more about image.

The pleaser, through various rationalizations, feels justified in their choices. They may believe their autonomy isn't respected, they'll be abandoned or have their reputation ruined if they say no, and that the world is divided between tyrants and followers, those who rule and those who serve. Pleasing is a way to ingratiate oneself to authority figures while maintaining some semblance of freedom, the perfect mixture of safety and sovereignty. However, this strategy often backfires.

As more and more decisions come to light, trust is eroded for multiple reasons. The first and most obvious: the pleaser's agreements can no longer be trusted. The second: the pleaser's interlocutor might become upset due to the time and opportunities wasted. And the last: they may also feel hurt due to the pleaser's assessment of them, thus potentially permanently damaging the relationship.

For the pleaser, there are several questions to ask themselves:

1. What is a good person? And are good people appreciated for who they are on the whole? This means that they may not always attempt to make others happy, as others are also able to trust what they say to them. In order to develop trust, the pleaser would have to choose between occasionally saying no or always doing what they say they will. The former seems preferable.
2. Am I allowed to disappoint others? I often ask people why they believe others deserve the perfect version of them all the time.
3. Do I really believe I can hide what I really want all the time? Some erroneously believe they can always make sure that others won't discover their hidden intentions and actions.
4. Is the world really divided between those who manipulate and control and those who don't?
5. Do others really not care what I want? Often, our expectations of others are based on prior relationships. So, as the psychoanalysts argue, we "transfer" them onto present others, who in a major or even minor way, resemble past figures. Our natural tendency is to generalize and engage in black-and-white thinking.

People-pleasers often consider themselves to be "lonely people," which means they can have friends and family around and, simultaneously, believe they have little interest in their inner worlds, even if this isn't true. In turn, they spend most of their time protecting themselves and avoiding conflict. Helping a people-pleaser entails helping to reshape their perspective of themselves and others, a global reassessment of their lives. And a reassessment of values. Initially, I would ask the pleaser what I would ask the hero: What does it mean to be a good person? And do you want to try to become one?