How Perfectionism Contributes to Social Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety disorder is marked by an intense fear of judgment, the strong and pervasive sense that most people are thinking poorly of you, and the equally intense urge to avoid most, if not all, social interactions. Many with this diagnosis believe that others are in on a big secret about them. While the paranoia doesn't reach the level of conspiracy, believing that strangers are stealthily working with loved ones against you, there is a milder sense of it — a tacit agreement between those whom you've encountered to spare you of pain.

Because debilitating social anxiety often co-occurs with body dysmorphic disorder, which entails a severe, negative distortion of one's appearance, these individuals struggle with making sense of opposing viewpoints on the one hand (between how they perceive themselves as opposed to how they're perceived) and understanding how others aren't able to see what they do when they look in the mirror. Often, the only reasonable resolution seems to be: they must be lying. And if they are, then they must all, somehow, be in on the lie.

Helping to prolong the disorder is the decision to isolate, indefinitely. The individual, thus, remains stuck with a sadistic companion, who uses all of the mental tricks available to sustain the preoccupation with self-perseveration. One of them is a deception known to all perfectionists, the belief that if you work hard enough at perfecting yourself, when you reach the pinnacle of self-love, you'll be granted the key to exit your makeshift prison. "When I lose weight, I'll start dating." "After I graduate, I'll focus on developing friendships." "I'll try public speaking once I'm an expert." On the surface, these aren't necessarily bad goals. However, their vagueness reinforces the decision to isolate, which, in turn, sustains a significant degree of social anxiety.

And we know that perfectionism runs deeper than keeping up with one's neighbors. In reality, perfectionists don't compare themselves to others. When their chronic tendency to contrast themselves with others is viewed on the whole, when we zoom out and gain a wider perspective, we notice that perfectionists compare themselves to an amalgam of others, contrasting their worst parts with the best ones of those used in comparison, essentially, and inadvertently, creating an idealized being. With each new comparison, another reason to further retreat, another aspect to change, another flaw to hide, another impossible goal to reach, another reason to continue to feel safe in one's own cocoon.

It's been argued that some of us "prefer safe to better." But, at least with respect to perfectionists, some are convinced they're creating better. Kicking the can down the road, working and waiting. This schema, or map used to understand the world, is, usually, based, in part, on one's upbringing. The child may have had at least one parent who was impossible to please, so she kept moving the goalpost of success. A parent may have had somewhat random yet chronic mood swings, which made predicting responses almost impossible. So, the child reasoned that perfection was the only suitable form of protection. Or, a parent may have idealized the child, so he learned that he needed to maintain the image of perfection for a similar response from the world.

For each respective child, better is safe. So, his life's preoccupation became the cultivation of a self that's so lovable and amazing that it's undeniable.

However, during that process, his life escaped him.

Consider how many times others provided you with conflicting feedback and decide whether two opposing views could be true at the same time. Can I believe, for example, that I'm stupid while a teacher disagrees strongly? Is everyone lying or is it possible that my self-perspective is potentially heavily biased, even though I don't like what I see in the mirror? Despite the imperative to know ourselves, we actually tend to be the worst judges of our own traits, including our characters. We tend to think too low or too highly of ourselves; sometimes, even, we fluctuate with minimal input. Additionally, you may ask yourself whether your friends and others hold you to a lower standard but sincerely believe what they think about and feel for you. This might mean that they don't need you to be amazing to love you, be attracted you, or enjoy your company.

Internalizing a more positive self-image is more difficult and less important than allowing yourself to exist in the world, which becomes easier with a reframed belief about its relation to you. You may never love yourself but there's much to gain from others. While many perfectionists continue to strive for the impossible, some appreciate knowing that those whom they care for think well of them. At best, they come to look forward to and love the support they receive. Even if this is the best-case scenario, being woven back into the fabric of life makes life worth living, as that fabric repairs each of its own threadbare parts, making sure that the holes don't suck you in.