Leveling Up Your Allyship Game

Previously, I introduced research that discussed helpful versus unhelpful allyship behaviours.

Source: Brett Sayles/Pexels

Research has found that the most beneficial ally behaviours include making sure the person's needs are met, speaking up for them when they are being ignored, advocating for them to receive opportunities, defending them against biased statements in an educated way, and rallying support when they are being treated worse than others. In this article, I provide specific examples of what you may be doing and what you could be doing instead to become a true ally.

If you are saying this: "I'm sure they didn't mean it that way" or "Oh, they are from a different time."

• Rather than trying to minimize the impact of what was said, what you are actually doing is siding with the person who made the comment. It shows that you are protective of the speaker rather than of the receipient.

• Try this instead: Speak up against the speaker or defend the recipient of the comment. Use phrases like "Comments like that aren't the most respectful way to speak to ___"; "That term makes people uncomfortable; did you mean to say this ___?"; or "That comment they made was inappropriate; do you want me to confront them?"

If you are saying this: "What [individual] is trying to say is…"

• You may see the struggle of the mistranslation between parties and feel you can speak on behalf of the person to help. However, you may not fully grasp what they are saying first. Paraphrasing for clarification can help elevate their voice instead of speaking over their voice.

• Try this instead: "Wait, I want to hear more of what they are saying"; "Can you elaborate more so we can fully understand"; or "So I think what I'm hearing is…. What did I miss?"

If you are doing this: Crying

• Crying is a natural response when you witness harm done to someone else, but it's important to keep the focus on the person who needs attention. That is, crying may unintentionally shift the focus to you.

• Try this instead: Compose yourself and then bring your focus back to the person who needs attention. Insist they be treated with respect.

If you are saying this: "I totally get it because as a ___ I experience the same thing."

• While relating to the person is well-intentioned to build empathy and connection, what oppression you may feel, for example, as a white woman, will not be the same as what a Black woman may feel. When trying to relate to someone's experience, it's important to recognize that your own experiences may not be the same as theirs. Adjust your language to help acknowledge that you want to connect while recognizing your privilege and valuing their unique experience.

• Try this instead: "As a [woman] I have experienced a fraction of the discrimination you have, but I can't begin to understand what you are going through. Do you want to talk about it?"

If you are saying this: "You should try/do this."

• Offering unsolicited advice can come across as patronizing or as "white saviorism" because you assume you must have better solutions than them. You may have a good solution from where you sit, but it may not be the best advice from where they sit.

• Try this instead: "What do you need from me in this moment?"; "Is there something I can do or say to.."; or "If you want advice, I can try and help."

If you are saying this: "I've never heard of this…" or "I was never exposed to this…" plus "…can you teach me about it or teach me how I can do better?"

• Do not add more to people's plates. This, too, may seem well-intentioned to build connection, but we don't want to add to people's emotional labour/cognitive load. Seek out information from authors, creators, and foundations first to help you familiarize yourself. Then you can begin to talk with people about their own unique experiences of it.

• Try this instead: "Sorry for my ignorance, I haven't heard of this. I will commit to going to read up on this and then perhaps we can discuss."

If you are doing this: Silence

• It's important to remember that silence can be just as harmful as unhelpful behaviour. If you're unsure what to say or do, just let the person know that you're there for them. Use phrases like "I'm here to support you" or "How can I help?"

• Try this instead: Something!

Remember there are people actively doing harm, so we cannot counter that by being passively nice. Ally is a verb. We must not only be kind but also actively undo the harm.