3 Reasons a Narcissist Wants You to Doubt Your Reality

A narcissist has significant cognitive distortions, which allow them to “rewrite history” in their mind. Whether they are aware of it or not, they twist things and often present a very different reality from what you recall. They remain so adamant that you may continually wonder if you misinterpreted things or overreacted. The clash in your realities can make you feel “crazy,” and it may seem like your partner gets satisfaction out of this. Unfortunately, a narcissistic partner typically wants you to question your reality for three reasons.

1. To Position Themselves as the Victim

The first thing a narcissistic partner may gain when you doubt your reality is “innocence.” Often, a narcissistic partner distorts reality to position themselves as the victim in almost every situation, so nothing is their fault. As the “victim,” they are rarely required to take responsibility for themselves.

For example, Rachel and Ron are walking Ron’s dog, Sam, in the park. Rachel gets frustrated when Sam routinely stops to sniff something. Her agitation intensifies, and she yanks Sam’s leash so hard that Sam yips. Ron is shocked, and he takes the leash from Rachel. Rachel keeps talking about work, like nothing out of the ordinary happened. Back at Ron’s apartment, he confronts Rachel. She is indignant and tells Ron that he was walking too fast and that she and Sam could barely keep up. She continues to say that because of Ron, she had to pull on Sam’s leash. She argues that Sam yelped because Ron stepped on Sam’s paw. Ron is perplexed, but Rachel is so resolute that Ron begins to think he is remembering things incorrectly. He feels bad and apologizes to Rachel.

With this type of partner, you question yourself, your memory, and your sanity because no matter what you recall, your partner has a completely different recollection. By distorting the narrative and positioning themselves as the victim, they can shift the blame away from themselves and onto you.

2. To Make You Trust Their Perspective Over Yours

The second reason a narcissistic person may want you to distrust your reality is so you trust their perspective over yours. When you doubt your reality, you may rely on your partner’s judgment rather than your own. This tends to give them a great deal of control over you.

For example, Ben and Steve are planning a trip. Ben insists on creating the itinerary and dismisses Steve’s suggestions, citing past vacations when Steve “messed up” the plans. Confused, Steve reflects but does not remember botching anything up and recalls having a ton of fun on their recent trips. However, Ben is unrelenting and claims that many disastrous things happened because of Steve’s poor planning. Steve is baffled. He doubts himself and begins to feel insecure about his abilities. He decides to let Ben take the reins and make the decisions.

When a narcissistic partner distorts the past, you start to mistrust your perception. Often, you defer to your partner because you are suddenly uncertain about your own capabilities.

3. To Dismante Your Confidence

Dismantling your confidence may be a narcissistic partner’s third motivation. When you doubt your reality, you tend to doubt yourself, which can result in a diminished sense of self. This can impact your performance at work and your achievements in the world. It seems they may only support your success if they have control over it.

For example, Taylor and Tim have been dating for several months and have gotten into several nightmare fights about Tim’s side comments. Frequently, this occurs when they are out to dinner with friends or at family gatherings. Taylor overhears Tim saying things like, “Taylor has no business sense” or Taylor is terrible with finances.” Usually, Taylor waits until they are alone to confront Tim; however, when she does, Tim denies making these comments. Taylor insists that she knows what she heard, but Tim is steadfast in his denial. Taylor begins to wonder if she is oversensitive and delusional. She feels deep shame for blowing things out of proportion and decides that Tim must be right. When offered a promotion at her company the following week, Taylor turns it down because she doubts her capabilities and is afraid to impact her team negatively.

A partner who distorts reality to exonerate themselves, gain control, or sabotage your confidence may be narcissistic and profoundly insecure. Whether they are aware of it or not, obtaining control over you may be the only way they feel secure in the relationship, and routinely challenging your reality is a quick way to do it. If you find yourself in this predicament, you can get help from my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life.