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Emotional Intelligence
3 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Do and 3 They Don’t
Understand the practices that power EI and the mindsets that deflate it.
Updated February 14, 2025 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Emotionally intelligent people take the high road, feel lucky, and enjoy the process as much as the outcome.
- Three mindsets that erode EI are victim mentality, self-centeredness, and a need for immediate gratification.
- Developing EI may allow someone to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.
Emotionally intelligent people are generally happier in life and more satisfied with their relationships. Often, it is because they consistently do three things. A real-life understanding of these tendencies may help you develop them. Additionally, an awareness of the three mindsets that get in the way of these qualities may provide extra clarification.
First, emotionally intelligent people consistently feel “lucky.” They seem to remember the good that they have despite the “bad” that may occur. This is often referred to as emotional regulation.
During a hardship or crisis, they often say to themselves, “Things could be worse.” This frame of mind often anchors them in times of chaos. It also helps them persevere because they cherish the positive aspects of their life and wish to overcome hardship to continue enjoying what and who they love.
After the difficulty is resolved, the emotionally intelligent may spend time reflecting and thinking about what they learned from the experience. Finding a “silver lining” helps them grow and evolve. They continue to progress through life, feeling fortunate.
For example, Sally, a manager of an accounting firm, attempts to help a less experienced person in her field by hiring and mentoring them, but they continually complain and constantly ask for privileges that their teammates do not have. When Sally attempts to set boundaries, the individual is indignant. They distort the situation and frame Sally as the problem. She decides to let this person go and, shortly after, is contacted by an attorney on their behalf.
Sally fears that her professional reputation is going to be significantly impacted. She has trouble sleeping, eating, and focusing. Yet, throughout the ordeal, she remembers that her kids are healthy and happy, and she focuses on the fact that she enjoys her work and finds helping people very satisfying.
Although it is hard, she continually keeps these positive themes in mind. Sally weathers the storm, and the issue is eventually resolved. She realizes that the silver lining is her motivation to establish better boundaries and a more refined hiring process moving forward.
Conversely, people who believe they have it worse than everyone else often see themselves as “victims.” They resist seeing any positives during the distressing time because they are entrenched in the view that nobody has it as badly as they do. Typically, this results in them feeling hopeless and demanding that someone “save” them or change the rules for them. Lacking self-efficacy, they struggle to work through the difficulty and instead quit or insist that someone fix things for them.
Second, emotionally intelligent individuals are able “to take the high road.” They are OK with losing a power struggle because they recognize that there may be a more meaningful reward ahead. This emotional depth allows them to consider how other people are impacted by their choices.
For example, Ray and Taylor are playing in the state championship basketball game. Ray is three baskets away from breaking the school record, yet Taylor insists that he take most of the shots during the fourth quarter. Instead of arguing, Ray does his best to distribute the ball to Taylor. Taylor makes several baskets, and they win the game.
Although Ray could’ve opposed Taylor, scored some baskets, and won the game and the award, he decided to take the high road. Instead of continuing a conflict, he puts his efforts into helping his team win. The following week, at the awards banquet, Ray receives the MVP award, which, in his mind, is the highest compliment.
An emotionally intelligent person like Ray realizes that things are not always fair or right, but operating with just yourself in mind may blind you from a more meaningful existence. In this example, he can put the welfare of his team before himself.
Alternatively, a person who believes they are always right and must always have their way may have trouble acquiescing to achieve a greater goal. Their need to win every power struggle may keep them trapped in superficial and petty conflicts.
Third, emotionally intelligent people try to enjoy the process as much as the outcome. Instead of only thinking about the reward at the end, they try to enjoy the journey of getting there. Their motivation extends beyond external and immediate rewards and is integrated into a lifelong passion or goal.
For example, Dawn is an interior designer who revels in getting to know her clients and their vision. She gets a kick out of the families she works for and looks forward to meetings with her team to trade ideas about how to make their “dream” come true. Her crew has great chemistry, and she enjoys their funny banter and inside jokes. Every day is different, and she cherishes the creative nature of her work.
Kate, similarly, is ambitious and intelligent. She is competitive and wants to be an elite interior designer in her city. However, she is often so focused on achieving this goal that she hurries through her meetings with clients to enact her own vision. Her grand ideas supersede what the client is looking for.
In addition, she is so fixated on her elaborate plans that she is often curt and rude to her assistant designers. Although her final product is incredible, she lacks the fulfillment of truly helping her clients and the comradery of a happy team. Her designs are beautiful, but her reputation suffers, and her daily life is painful because her team does not respect her, and she often gets negative feedback from her clients. After a few years, she burns out.
In this vignette, Kate is only concerned with the result and misses the meaningful and fun experiences along the way. Her colleague, however, is emotionally intelligent and develops and enjoys the process almost as much as the outcome. Dawn remains a thriving fixture as a designer in her city for many years.
The three emotionally intelligent tendencies, gratitude, taking the high road, and valuing the process as much as the outcome, allow you to maintain emotional fortitude, emotional depth, and emotional endurance. The opposite can prevent you from surviving hard times successfully, actualizing your unseen goals, and embracing the truly important things in life. You can find more information on emotional intelligence and the opposite in my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist.
