Is Your Conflict Avoidance Emotionally Intelligent or Narcissistic?

Avoiding conflict may be a healthy way to circumvent dysfunctional drama or petty power struggles, but it can also be a way of avoiding accountability. By examining your conflict-avoidant style, you may be able to determine whether it is emotionally intelligent or narcissistic.

Emotionally Intelligent Conflict Avoidance

Emotionally intelligent individuals are often emotionally astute, and, although they are trusting and good-natured, they eventually catch on to a partner’s attempt to gaslight them. A partner who provokes you with an underhanded comment, unfair criticism, or passive-aggressive behavior may be trying to get a rise out of you. They want you to “engage” with them. Yet, due to the partner’s inability to perspective take and a lack of empathy, these discussions can escalate quickly. Also, instead of considering things from your viewpoint as you do for them, they may continually repeat their own argument and criticize and devalue you.

In this type of situation, it is healthy to avoid these types of “nightmare” fights. Your partner may not be able to resolve conflict in a productive manner. After multiple escalated altercations, it may be wise to avoid these conflicts. Do not waste your energy defending yourself or explaining your position if your partner refuses to consider it. Instead, set a boundary.

For example, Taylor frequently makes derogatory comments about Lisa’s spending in front of their children. Although Lisa is the breadwinner and is required to look professional at work, Taylor routinely makes snarky comments about her appearance. One morning, when Lisa is in the kitchen getting the kids ready for school, Taylor says, “Wow. How much did those shoes set us back? Looks like you’re not going to college kids.” Lisa feels awful and looks at things from Taylor’s perspective. She decides to curb her spending. Yet, despite her changes, financial stability, and good credit, Taylor continues to review Lisa’s credit card statement and berates her for her purchases. After several heated arguments about this, Lisa refuses to engage. She keeps her credit card information private and sets a boundary. “Taylor, I designate a certain amount of money each pay period for personal items. I am entitled to do this, and I will continue. You spend a portion of your paycheck on yourself, too; it is just on different things.”

Taylor may continue to make negative comments, and, in this case, it may be necessary for Lisa to ignore them and appear unaffected to avoid an unproductive and upsetting argument. She establishes her boundary and is not wavering. Because Taylor cannot get a “rise” out of Lisa, she may eventually stop.

Narcissistic Conflict Avoidance

Narcissistic individuals, on the other hand, may avoid conflicts so they do not have to take responsibility for themselves. When an issue is brought to their attention, they tend to immediately deflect. Instead of addressing and contemplating the issue with which they are involved, they may accuse you of “picking on them.” They avoid the conflict by placing the blame on you for “starting trouble.” You are vilified for attempting to resolve an issue in the relationship, and they are the “victim,” despite their initial wrongdoing. Typically, they, then, distort your words during the confrontation and frame them as “toxic.” This is the narrative that they may broadcast behind your back with mutual acquaintances to align people with them. Unfortunately, their blame-shifting tactics can be successful, and the original transgression seems to get swept under the rug.

For example, Ron and Jamie enjoy going for trail runs. Jamie mentions to Ron that she has a calf issue and is avoiding steep terrain. Ron says that he has the perfect route for them. They drive 45 minutes, and when Jamie gets out of the car, she notices a steep descent to the trail. She looks for a different way but cannot find one. Ron is raving about how excited he is to do his favorite run. Jamie is tentative because of her injury and is frustrated with Ron’s insensitivity, but she does not want to ruin Ron’s fun. She makes it down the steep incline and slogs through the workout. On the way back to the car, Jamie goes up the hill very slowly. Ron yells at her, “Come on! Finish strong! “He races up the hill, kicking up gravel behind him. Distracted, she missteps and tweaks her calf. In pain, she struggles to make it to the car. Ron is busy texting his friends about his time.

In the car, Jamie confronts Ron. “I told you that I didn’t want to do steep hills because of my calf and that run was the hilliest run we have ever done.” Ron looks indignant. He is irritated at Jamie for “ruining his vibe.” He tells her that she is a negative person and a “complainer.” He turns on the radio and refuses to talk about it. That evening, he texts his friends to tell them how Jamie “rained on his parade.” All his friends sympathize with him and look at Jamie differently.

In this example, Ron avoids dealing with the conflict by deflecting any accountability and shifting the blame. Instead of apologizing and tending to Jamie, he denies any responsibility and reprimands her for being negative, even though Jamie was simply trying to address an issue in the relationship. Ron evades personal accountability in the relationship by avoiding conflicts.

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It is important to remember that keeping yourself free from contentious episodes in a relationship is key if you have sincerely addressed issues only to receive accusations and blame in return. Protecting yourself from the initial injury again is necessary, so calmly setting a boundary and sticking with it may be the emotionally intelligent route. Yet, if you are a person who has difficulties taking responsibility for yourself in a relationship, lashes out to shift the blame or withdraw, and refuses to talk about the issue, even if it directly involves you, it may be a narcissistic way of protecting your ego. You can find more information on emotional intelligence and narcissism in my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist, Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home at Work, and in Life.