8 Emotionally Intelligent Tools That Could Fix Your Relationship

Feeling close to a partner gives you the “warm fuzzies.” This connection often provides you with comfort, contentment, and joy. Yet, your hectic schedule coupled with the anxiety of everyday life may keep you “in your head.” It can be difficult to be emotionally available for the one you love. Here are eight important tips regarding empathy and self-awareness—two cornerstones of emotional intelligence—that may help you immediately.

Empathy

1. Listen for a Feeling

When your partner is talking, as crazy as it sounds, try not to get caught up in the details of what they are saying. Instead, listen for a feeling. When you focus on the particulars of a loved one’s predicament, you are tempted to advise them on how to “fix it.” This is understandable because you do not want them to be negatively impacted by the situation. However, this may backfire because it derails you from your most important job, which is to understand. When you resonate with what your partner is feeling, three essential things tend to happen. First, they do not feel alone because you “get it.” Second, they feel close to you because you are in sync with them, emotionally. Three, because they feel less alone and close to someone who supports them, they feel empowered to handle their own situation, which is better for their self-esteem.

2. Honor Their Feeling

Although you do not want your partner to feel angry, disappointed, hurt, or overwhelmed, saying things like “don’t be disappointed" or "don’t be mad” does not make their negative emotion go away. In fact, it may make things worse. As counterintuitive as it is, validating the negative feeling helps them feel grounded because uncomfortable emotions can make a person feel “chaotic and ungrounded.” Having a partner say, “You are mad, and you have every right to be,” or “You are hurt. I would be too,” can provide relief. When you validate what they are feeling, they may be able to accept it themselves. Because you are safe with their emotions, they may use you as a sounding board to talk things through.

3. Let Them Have Control

Refrain from giving advice or telling them how to solve their problem until they specifically ask you. They may need to digest the intense emotion before heading toward problem-solving. Try not to rush them through this stage. Instead, give them a sense of control by asking, “What would help?” or “What can I do?” They may ask you for a glass of water or to just sit with them for a couple of minutes. Remember, let them guide the conversation. If they are quiet, it is OK. Silence is not a bad thing. Try to be an empathic presence, which means you are there for moral support and comfort, so the fewer words, the better.

4. Reassure and Encourage Them

At this point they may need a little self-esteem boost, so let them know that you believe in them. Remind them of their resilience and of the many past hardships that they have overcome.

Self-Awareness

5. Perspective-Take

The most difficult time to have empathy for a partner is when they tell you that you hurt them. This is the last thing that you want to hear because you care about them and you do not want to lose their approval, so you may dispute them. However, this may be the defensive approach instead of the emotionally intelligent one. So, hit the pause button, take three deep breaths, and try to see things from their perspective. This does not automatically mean that you are surrendering your own point of view, but it does mean that you are willing to look at yourself, and the situation, from your partner’s viewpoint for a moment to try to understand.

6. Look in the Mirror

It is difficult to admit fault with a loved one because you spend a great deal of time trying to make them happy, so the notion that you have hurt them in some way is frustrating. Yet, it is essential to be introspective. No one is perfect and everyone has selfish moments in a relationship. The most important thing to do is authentically own your misstep.

7. Apologize Correctly

There are right and wrong ways to apologize. Justifying, rationalizing, and explaining why you made a mistake is making excuses for yourself. Don’t do it. Instead, isolate your apology. “I am sorry I hurt you. That is the last thing I wanted to do.” Next, communicate an understanding of how you negatively impacted your partner. “You must have been so disappointed when I showed up late… and hurt too. This was an important night for you, and I took away from it. I am so sorry.” Only after you apologize correctly should you offer an explanation.

8. Make Your Partner Feel Seen

Occasionally, in place of saying, “I love you,” say, “I love who you are.” This phrase can be more powerful because it conveys sincere appreciation for the uniqueness of who your partner is, as a person. It can be a nice change from those three little words that we tend to overuse. Vocalizing that you cherish who they are may be more meaningful.

Relationships take work and often because people are busy and stressed out, they may miss vital opportunities to be there for loved ones. However, the way you handle these crucial moments can either help you and your loved one remain close or drive you apart. The eight tools above should provide you with the guidance you need to regain closeness with a loved one. You can find more information on emotional intelligence in my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and In Life.

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