Are You Insecurely Attached or Are You With a Narcissist?

Many securely attached people believe that they have an insecure attachment style because they are with a narcissist and do not realize it. A securely attached person is someone who has empathy, insight, trust in others, and self-awareness, and someone who is authentically accountable. They are also strong enough to be aware of their insecurities. A narcissist, on the other hand, defends against feeling insecure by judging others, projecting their flaws onto others, and always assuming that they are right and that their perspective is superior. They often play the victim, which makes them seem like they are aware of their flaws, but it is a manipulation to escape responsibility.

Most people with a secure attachment style feel deeply insecure when they are involved with a narcissist for four reasons.

1. The narcissist’s approval or affection is conditional. Meaning, they withdraw their love or approval when you don’t do or say what they want. They shame you for expressing a feeling that they do not want you to have or that they disagree with.

For example, Rachel is having dinner with several of her friends. She overhears her friend Zoe tell the others that she thinks Rachel is selfish for spending the holidays in Hawaii instead of with her family. In the Uber on the way home, Rachel tells Zoe that her comment hurt her feelings. Zoe chuckles and says, “You are way too sensitive. Grow up. I was just kidding.” Following the interaction, Zoe doesn’t talk to Rachel for two weeks and convinces their mutual friends not to invite her out that weekend. (Zoe punishes Rachel for expressing a feeling that Zoe does not like.) Rachel is confused and hurt. She wonders if she is being selfish. She also regrets confronting Zoe.

A securely attached person, like Rachel, is self-reflective, introspective, and can see things from Zoe’s perspective. Rachel wonders if Zoe is right. She also figures that if all her friends agree with Zoe, that she may be the problem. In the future, she feels anxious around Zoe and stifles her feelings in case they may make Zoe angry again.

2. The narcissist also distorts things and positions themselves as the victim although they have been the aggressive party. When they take a victim stance, you are automatically juxtaposed as the “villain.” This may devastate you because as a securely attached person who possesses empathy, the last thing you want to be is someone who hurts others.

For example, Ben and Tina are painting their bathroom. In the middle of the mess, Ben’s friends call him and invite him out to watch the game. Ben tells Tina that he is going out since he had a difficult workweek and has not seen his friends in ages. Irritated, Tina protests. Ben says, “How can you be so selfish, Tina? I have been buried at work for months. I never get to see anyone, and you go out with your friends every weekend." Although Tina disagrees with Ben’s perspective, she does not want to be selfish. She agrees and tells him to have fun.

For the next four hours, as she is finishing the painting and cleaning up, her head swims. She does not know if she has a right to feel angry or if she should feel guilty for wanting Ben to stay and help. She gives Ben the benefit of the doubt because she trusts him and doubts her own ability to be a good partner.

3. The narcissist manipulates you into thinking that your requests and desires for closeness are insecurities and clinginess. They are not. The narcissist cannot be close and prefers to have control, so they must camouflage this by making you the problem.

For example, Andre misses his partner, Lisa, because they reside in different cities and getting together is not easy. They are both committed, and Andre does his best to see Lisa. He gives her a promise ring to ensure that she knows that he is invested in the relationship. Andre continues to reach out and makes efforts to see Lisa, but she does not reciprocate, despite her assertions that she is completely committed. Andre feels as if her words fail to match her actions. He voices his concerns, and Lisa gets upset. She says, “Why are you so needy? You are so insecure. I love you. You need to relax.”

Andre feels as if his desire to be close to Lisa is dysfunctional. Due to his secure attachment style, he has faith in Lisa and holds himself accountable for the possibility that he is “needy.” Although his attempts to remain close to Lisa are healthy, he second-guesses them due to Lisa’s reactions.

4. The narcissist’s insensitivities and selfishness understandably make you angry. The narcissist then points to your anger and labels you, “out of control.” However, your anger is warranted and is data that something unfair in the relationship is occurring.

For example, Anne and Beth are having a romantic anniversary dinner. As the appetizers are being served, Anne brings up her colleague, whom she describes as being very attractive. Anne gushes about her co-worker throughout the dinner. Beth is hurt and cannot take it anymore. Emotional, she tells Anne that she is upset. Anne is indignant and appalled and storms out of the restaurant. Later, Beth discovers that Anne contacted all their mutual friends and accused Beth of being a “psycho” at dinner.

Although Beth had every right to be angry and to say so, Anne frames her as “jealous” and “out of control.” Because Beth is usually good-natured and easygoing, her experience of intense anger makes her uncomfortable. Instead of holding Anne accountable for her insensitivity, she feels ashamed of her anger, and “falls on her sword.” From that moment on, Beth feels insecure about feeling angry even though it is a normal human response to a partner’s lack of empathy.

Remember that when assessing your attachment style, it is important to consider your current partner’s traits. You may not be the insecure one. A narcissistic partner love bombs at first, but then quickly switches gears and lacks empathy and the ability to consider your perspective. Their victim stance can very quickly make you feel like the “bad guy,” even when you are not. My new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life, may provide you with additional information about how to assess your attachment style and your partner’s.

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