4 Reasons That Passive Aggression Thrives Online

Many of the adults reading this post likely grew up in a world where at the end of the day, they were able to return to a home and “unplug” from the activities, pressures, and communication of school and work life. It’s a fact of the 21st century, however, that most adults and kids remain connected to each other all day, every day. Today, smartphones, e-mails, texts, apps and social media sites dictate that people are always plugged in and ever-attached to each other.

For as much as modern technology has made possible round-the-clock communication, however, it has also lessened the amount of time that human beings look each other in the eye and say what they are thinking or feeling. There can be no doubt that for most people—and especially for those who prefer to avoid direct confrontation—it is far easier to be cruel from a behind a keyboard. Today’s technology affords anyone who wants to mask their anger or aggression a perfect front. For the passive aggressive person, the relative anonymity of screens and apps has become an ideal Get-Out-of-Guilt-Free card. In this post, I examine four reasons why passive aggression thrives online.

1. Critical Elements of Communication are Missing

In traditional person-to-person conversation, when two people are together in the same physical space or even talking with each other on a phone, one person speaks while the other demonstrates listening by nodding, facial expressions, non-verbal cues, and verbal responses. Technology has completely altered this immediate back-and-forth dynamic. By their very nature, texts, emails, instant messages and online posts lack the elements of human communication that convey meaning most accurately—facial expression and tone of voice. Without these elements, meaning is far easier to muddle and much more difficult to interpret correctly. For the passive aggressive person who thrives on covert hostility and masked meaning, online communication is an ideal medium.

2. Rules Can be Followed and Defied Simultaneously

Passive aggressive persons make the most of technology to defy rules in hidden, yet purposefully infuriating ways. In the example below, a college student exercises her burgeoning independence from her mother’s watchful eye, using her cell phone’s call log as her perfect cover.

Kelly is a college freshman who recently turned 18. When she is living at school, she is able to come and go as she pleases. She is very much enjoying her newfound freedom. At home for Thanksgiving break, Kelly makes plans with a friend. When her mother sees Kelly leaving the house, she asks her to call when she arrives at the friend’s house. Kelly knows that if she does not call, her mother will be furious. On the other hand, she resents being treated like a child. Kelly decides to dial her mother’s number and wait just long enough so that it registers on her cell phone. Then, she quickly hangs up. An hour after her arrival at her friend’s house, Kelly’s mom calls her in hysterics, asking why she didn’t call and telling her that she has been worried sick. Kelly replies, “But mom, I did call you and you didn’t pick up. Check your call log & you’ll see.”

3. Direct Jabs Can Be Made Indirectly

Recently, as I was talking with a colleague about the phenomena of online passive aggression, he casually remarked, “Truthfully, passive aggressive behavior is just plain fun. Getting back at other people in socially acceptable ways is so easy to do these days now that so much of what we say and do happens through a keyboard instead of person to person.”

“What an honest comment,” I thought, “about such a dishonest way of communicating.” Indeed, taking jabs at others while eluding direct confrontation is the immediate gratification afforded by today’s technology and the modus operandi of the passive aggressive.

4. The Audience is Virtually Endless

Typically, aggressive behavior occurs as a person-to-person encounter. While there may be witnesses to the cruelty, the size of the audience is restricted to those who happen to be physically present in the moment. With passive aggressive behavior via technology, however, the potential audience is virtually unlimited. Texts, emails, and social media sites allow for almost endless forwards, shares, and “Likes.” No longer is someone the object of one person’s anger, but rather with technology, he or she can become humiliated throughout his community, school, workplace, and even worldwide. What’s more, passive aggressive behavior via technology has the potential to wound its victims over and over again, as embarrassing photos, anonymous posts, and innuendo remain on the internet indefinitely.

For more information on how passive aggressive behavior thrives online and how to confront and change passive aggression, check out , available through the LSCI Institute. www.lsci.org