On Conformity: Assimilation Versus Authenticity

My daughter turned 3 in November. While everything about this age is fascinating, one of the most refreshing things is watching how she is always just being herself. She does not know what it means to “fit in” or modify her behavior to suit other people yet, but she does show signs now of slowly getting what that means.

Conformity Can Be a Good Thing

Conforming is almost second nature to adults, and it might even be something that we’re hardwired to do. Given how important cooperation is to agricultural societies, it is no surprise that humans have evolved complex mechanisms to make sure that the people in a group fit in with each other.

Fitting in has its obvious advantages — we all like people who are similar to ourselves in some way, and indeed most friendships begin with a conversation about something that two people have in common. It becomes problematic, however, when someone doesn’t fit in with a group in some way and is expected to conform. Women at the workplace often talk about having to “mask” their personal lives at work – they feel an unspoken pressure to underplay aspects of their personality that might be seen as “too feminine,” such as caring for a toddler. Immigrants often feel pressed to blend into the mainstream by changing their names or letting go of their cultural practices, and gay people are told not to engage in displays of same-sex affection in public. Kenji Yoshino, professor of constitutional law at NYU School of Law, terms this phenomenon as “covering,” and in a beautiful turn of phrase, says that it leads to a “conflict between assimilation and authenticity.”

The Problems with Conformity: Covering vs. Passing

Yoshino makes a distinction between covering and “passing,” which is a related but distinct phenomenon. The best example I can think of is from the recently published book, The Vanishing Half, where a black girl decides to pass off as white, given how much easier it seems to make her life. When a person passes, the people around them do not know their real identity. But when a person covers, they cannot really hide who they are. Franklin Roosevelt, who used a wheelchair, preferred to always be photographed sitting down at his table, so that his disability wouldn’t be obvious. In this case, he was not really attempting to hide his disability (everyone knew that he was using a wheelchair); he just decided not to flaunt what might be perceived as weakness in a president.

We all cover in some way when we are around other people. I might downplay the fact that I live in the U.S. when I meet extended family in India, for fear that I might be seen as too alien. Conversely, when I meet friends in the U.S., I might ramp-up aspects of my personality that would help me fit in with the group. I might speak about American sitcoms and books that I enjoy, or about board games that my husband and I play, for instance. Studies have found that people conform more to in-group members, or members of a group they aspire to belong to, and take care to diverge from out-groups or groups that they do not want to be associated with. The signals we give out to the world about ourselves seem to be all-important.

If we all cover to fit in, it might be tempting to argue that covering is not all that problematic. This argument falls flat when we consider people who are too different from a group that they wish to belong to. Covering is not easy for everyone, and neither is it something that everybody wishes to do all the time. For people who don’t fit in, the consequences are often dire. The people around you expect you to behave a certain way, so you better, or else.

Nonconformity and Its Importance for Innovation and Liberty

Given how conformity traditionally gives rise to stability, it is no surprise that history is full of examples of non-conformist innovators. Peter Thiel, co-founder of Paypal and first investor in Facebook, says, “In Silicon Valley many of the more successful entrepreneurs…. are missing the imitation socialization gene." He goes on to say that’s a “Plus for innovation and creating great companies.”

Not only is pushing the boundaries of conformity essential for innovation, it is also a matter, for many people, of being able to express their true selves. A gay person is not going to be able to be themselves if the group of people around him is blatantly homophobic. Being forced in this way to conform has disastrous consequences for the mental health of LGBTQ+ individuals. People who are closeted often cannot admit even to themselves that they have homoerotic feelings. This is why movements such as gay pride can be so important to LGBTQ+ individuals. How better to reclaim their place in a society that has expected them to cover for centuries than by asserting their dignity, equality, and pride in just being themselves?

As humankind progresses and evolves, it is the responsibility of each one of us to make sure that we create a safe space for people to express their true selves without judgement or criticism. Every historic non-conformist has spoken about their struggles with respect to fitting in. It is tempting to imagine a future in which society minimizes or completely removes this struggle altogether. While society might feel shaken up, and the old ways threatened for a while, I believe that largely good things – and faster progress — can come out of such liberty for all in the long run.