What Makes a Child Feel Like They Matter?

This is Part 1 of a series.

Today I listened to a podcast on the importance of "mattering" with Jennifer Wallace, author of Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Meaning and Purpose.

We all want to matter. We want other people to love us and miss us if we aren't there. We want to be important to at least a few other people. We want to feel seen and valued, and we want and need to have a real sense of purpose in life. How do we get there? And just as important, how do we get our children there? How can we help them to feel that they matter? And how can we help them to feel that their lives have purpose?

Do we use "gentle parenting," talking out their every feeling, trying not to correct them directly and telling them, "Good job, Buddy?"

I don't think these methods necessarily work. I think we help children feel they matter by telling them and showing them clearly and directly that what they do and feel and how they behave is important to us.

And this is where the first three years of life come in. These are the years when parental input is the most labor-intensive and also the most important in regard to building the child's internal capacities for self-soothing, self-regulation, and self-esteem. This is when children build the basis for their sense of themselves.

And how is a parent supposed to make sure they are doing the best they can to provide the building blocks for these important aspects of their child's development? The complete answer is far too long to include in a brief blog post. But a few of the most important things a parent can do occur in the first three years of life:

1. Be with your infant and toddler as much time each day as you can. The belief that quality time is more important than the quantity of time you spend with your young child is just not true at this age. Take breaks when you need to, get help with childcare when you need to, work the hours you need to, but when you are able, spend as much one on one, phone-free time with your infant or toddler as you can.

2. During your time with your infant and toddler
- Show them in every way you can that you love them.
- Challenge them to do a little more each day in building new skills; whether it's holding their head up as a 2-month-old or walking a longer distance than the day before when they are 3 or 4.

3. Congratulate them when they really do a good job on something - celebrate! But you don't need to say, "Good job, Buddy" every time they do anything; Save it for when they have done something significant that you and they can be proud of.

4. Soothe your child when they are sad, upset, angry, or hurt. Rub their back, tell them it will be alright. Do this Every. Single. Time. This helps them to be able to tolerate and regulate their own strong emotions. At this age, they don't know how to self-regulate or self-soothe, but if you consistently help them, they will internalize your ability to do this and make it their own.

4. Tolerate tantrums. Reacting to tantrums with anger or upset of your own can make the moment worse. Wait them out. Do not try to distract your child from their tantrum. Do not feel the need to give in to the tantrum. Just wait it out and then move on. Talk later about how angry they were and why they were so angry.

But what does all this have to do with mattering?

Children know they matter to you when you spend time with them and when you take their feelings seriously. They know they matter when you notice the things they do well and when you notice what they do that they should not do and you consistently correct them. The relationship they have with you as their parent is the model for all subsequent relationships. By showing you care by giving of your time and attention, and by telling them that they are unique and irreplaceable in your life, by noticing who they are as individuals and what they do well and what is hard for them, your children will learn that this is the kind of treatment they should expect from friends and partners going forward. And they learn to give their time, attention, and caring to others.

And finally, what about helping your child to feel that they matter as they get older?

Start early in helping them to feel like you need them. If they make you feel better when you're sad, tell them. If they try to comfort you when you're upset, tell them how much that means to you. And make sure your child knows that their presence in your family is crucial. You can do this in terms of telling them about the things they add to the family just by being themselves, and you can also expect them to contribute to the family in meaningful and concrete ways. You, as the parent, get to choose how your child does this. Observe what they like to do and build on that. If they like to help in the kitchen, even at age 2 or 3, let them do that. If they like to help outside by raking or picking up sticks and making a pile, build on that. And, rather than clean up all the toys at night yourself, encourage your child to help. Keep at it, even when they say "no" for months at a time. Don't force it, but don't give up either. A 2-year-old can start to help clean up their own toys. You can make it fun by seeing who can get more things into the toy basket. A 3-year-old can carry some (unbreakable) plates to the table or put water in the dog's dish.

At each age, add a little more to your child's responsibilities. Let them know that you rely on them to make the house run smoothly. And encourage them to do some jobs outside of the house; let them walk dogs for neighbors, babysit, or do some weed pulling. Let them know that helping others is important and gives meaning to their lives

Make sure that screens come after homework and work around the house. And again, let your child know that what they do matters. Let them know that they help you, and that helps the family. And you can start telling them this as early as age two or three and continue through late teen years.

We all need to matter to others and to know that we matter.