How Are Parents Supposed to Learn How to Parent?

In hundreds of thousands of homes in our country, parents are reinventing the wheel... of parenthood. Upon having a baby, they realize that they do not feel prepared to care for that baby. Often, after years of feeling competent at work, they suddenly feel incompetent and anxious.

Donald Winnicott, the famous and beloved British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst, wrote, "The most important element at any one moment is the ordinary home in which ordinary parents are doing an ordinary good job, starting off with infants and children with that basis for mental health which enables them to eventually become part of the community" (The Spontaneous Gesture, 1950).

However, in our country, and I suspect in other places as well, there is no "ordinary" way to raise a child. This sort of communal knowledge or this set of common values has been lost. Some new parents have focused on their own lives and education and have just not had prior experience with babies or young children. They may not know what to expect from a 1-year-old or a 5-year-old, and, as they become parents, they are at a loss when called upon to meet the ordinary situations of child rearing.

Henri Parens, another child psychoanalyst, advocated for a parenting curriculum to be instituted in every school. As one of my psychoanalytic mentors, I often heard him talk about this, and quite honestly, at the time, I didn't see the point. But now that I am working daily with first-time parents, professional parents, and harried parents, I do. I see that the parents I come in contact with are desperate to know what is developmentally "normal" at each age, as well as to know how to handle the inevitable challenges of raising children at all of the various stages of development.

Given the much heralded death of the extended family and the loss of true community for most young families, questions arise: Where are people in the early years of parenthood supposed to learn how to parent? Where are they supposed to learn about child development? And where are they supposed to learn how to manage their own internal reactions to the extraordinary stressors of normal parenthood?

Somehow, we have come to a place in history where some kids grow up never once having to take responsibility for a younger sibling or cousin and never having worked as a babysitter. We have put the emphasis on children doing well in school and going to college, and in some cases, even graduate school. In this march toward "success" many never learn about babies and children.

I do not know if Henri Parens had the right solution—teaching about parenting in the schools. But what I do know is that right now, right here in our country, many parents are struggling—more than in other generations, I think—to figure out how to do even "ordinary" parenting.

Here are a few ideas for those parents to try:

1. Before the birth of your baby, spend as much time as you can with young infants and toddlers. Watch how their parents care for them and think about whether their methods are the ones you would want to use.
2. Before the birth of your baby, think about your parents and how you were raised. Think about what you want to do similarly and what you want to do differently. Reflecting on parenting styles is something you can continue to do throughout your children's development.
3. Before your baby is born, offer to babysit. As terrifying as this might seem, you need the experience! Don't do this once — do it as often as you can!
4. In regard to parenting information and child development, stay away from scrolling. Memes and random online postings are not necessarily going to be helpful. They provide you with misinformation, and they may make you feel anxious.
5. Use your time reading trusted sources. If you are not familiar with the literature, check out what Psychology Today recommends, invest in a parenting class, or a course on child development.
6. After your baby is born, read the Louise Bates Ames' series, Your One-Year-Old, Your Two-Year-Old, etc., reading the book that matches your child's age. This series is old, but it is excellent.
7. Get together with other parents as often as possible to support each other.
8. Join a parenting group, whether online or in person.
9. Talk to relatives your age or slightly older about their parenting experiences. If you feel you can trust them, be open about what is hard for you.

You can do all these things — and more to find help and support for your parenting.

After all, parents need all the support they can get from all sources they can find!