Why Aren't Kids More Independent?

Kids aren’t doing things independently as much as they used to. This is the thesis of a recent podcast by Screenagers founder Delany Ruston – and I highly suggest you listen.

Her first premise is that kids are less independent because they spend so much time watching screens. And her second premise is that kids are less independent because of parental anxiety and the restrictions parents put on kids as a result.

Her guest on the podcast is Lenore Skenazy, author of Free Range Kids, the “terrible” mother who let her nine-year-old son ride the subway in New York City.

Well, let me just say, I rode the public bus when I was nine – and I did it because I wanted to. I also went to spend overnights with my best friend – and from the time we were about six, her mother, who didn’t like to cook, would send us to the corner store for lunch.

This was fun. This was exciting. And we didn’t get kidnapped.

But these days, when we see kids riding the bus or the subway at nine or 10 and those who walk around alone or with a friend at six we think they are being neglected, possibly abused and definitely in danger.

However, Dr. Ruston said an interesting thing. She quoted a mentor of hers as having said, “People do not mature in preparation for responsibility – they mature as a result of it.”

And from my own personal experience, and as a child psychologist, I have found this to be true.

My father died when I was 14. I started to be the one to lock the doors at night, just as he had once done. I mowed the lawn, as he had done, and when I was 15, I got a job.

I didn’t do these things because my mother yelled at me and told me I had to. I did these things because I wanted to. Doing these things actually felt good. Doing these things made me feel more confident and more able. When I went away to college, I felt prepared to handle myself independently.

Did my boss at work yell at me? Yes. Did she tell me I was terrible at my job? Yes. But I still enjoyed working for her, and I really enjoyed getting that paycheck.

Meanwhile, in my practice, I am seeing college-aged kids who don’t seem to know how to do so many things, who seem self-critical, who seem to lack confidence and who seem to prefer to sit on their beds and scroll. I see college kids who need to text a parent multiple times a day. And I see college kids who, once they have an internship or a job, can’t stand a moment of criticism and feel like they have the right to push back immediately.

I think these college kids are not used to being independent. I think they feel unsure of themselves and they need to check in with their parents to see if what they are doing or what they might do is OK. Often these are the kids who were driven everywhere they needed to go and who were given advice about everything they needed to do.

Of course, their parents restricted their independence out of fear. The kidnapper, the accident, the perpetrator lurked just around the corner. And their parents gave advice because they wanted the best for their kids. They hired the college consultant because they were unsure about whether their own judgment or their kids’ judgment about which colleges to apply to were good enough. They kept their kids from having jobs because they wanted them to get the best grades they could. They scheduled their kids with activities because this is what they thought was best for their kids.

But does constant protection and constant advice give enough room for kids to experience life for themselves, to make some mistakes, to learn how to handle a yelling boss or a bus that never comes?

I think we all know the answer.

And for the ubiquitous phenomenon of overprotected kids, overanxious kids, and overanxious parents, I, like Dr. Ruston, blame screens. But for once, I don’t blame the screens the kids are on. I think part of the blame goes to the screens the parents are on.

We know that we all receive too much news too much of the time via our phones. And we also know that we all receive an enormous amount of pseudo-news too much of the time. And we know that we keep reading this pseudo-news and we keep clicking on the clickbait even when we know we shouldn’t.

For parents, the content they consume often has to do with all the worst things that can happen to kids, and all the possible criticisms of the parents whose children suffered these terrible things.

No parent wants to be the bad parent. So, an abundance of caution, a fear of criticism, and genuine love for their children often keep parents from allowing their children a bit of freedom, a chance to take a walk or a bike ride with a friend, a trip on the bus or subway by themselves.

And this spills into other decisions – do parents let their kids go on overnights or to overnight camp? Do they let them spend time with aged relatives? With relatives who are sick? Do they let their kids attend wakes or shivas or funerals?

The worry parents experience can lead to restrictions on all sorts of experiences.

Of course, the desire to protect comes from love. But we have to ask, what does our protection lead to in terms of kids’ development?

My parents didn’t watch local news. In fact, they were busy and didn’t really watch TV at all. I’m sure they worried about my taking the bus. And yes, I later found out that my mother followed the bus on the first day and she followed me almost all the way home as I walked from the bus stop. But I didn’t know it. And I was so proud of myself for having successfully ridden the bus home! In fact, a few years later, on nice days I also started walking home from school. And it wasn’t a short walk. My older sister had done this before me and she could often be seen walking down the street while simultaneously reading a book. I wanted the same independence she had. I wanted to be like her. And even though I was six years younger than she was, my parents let me have it.

Getting hot dogs with my friend at age six, riding the bus at age nine, and yes, losing my father at 14 – these experiences, and many more, both tragic and good, were all growth-promoting and independence-promoting experiences.