The Transition to Fatherhood

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about the transition to motherhood, which got about 35,000 reads.

A popular topic!

So, I wondered, would there be as much interest in the transition to fatherhood?

I hadn't seen much written about this, so I had to do some research.

Obviously, the transition to fatherhood is one of the biggest psychological changes that occurs in a man's life.

Research has found that many men find it to be complex, unstructured, and challenging (Daiches et al., 2011), and many men express ambivalence during their partner's pregnancy (Donovan, 1995).

Contributing to these feelings may be the fact that in recent years, fathers have been expected to be more hands-on and intimate with their babies and children than in previous generations.

Or perhaps I am wrong. Maybe they have wanted to be more hands-on and more intimate with their babies and children—it's unclear which came first or whether there was a simultaneous change in expectation and desire.

And, of course, what constitutes fatherhood is ever-evolving, conceptualized and reconfigured both by the needs and wishes of fathers and mothers and by societal and cultural norms.

The research in the area is both fascinating... and troubling.

First, let's look at the hormonal influences, just as I did with the transition to motherhood: A study published in the Mayo Clinic Proceedings suggests that fathers have higher levels of estrogen, the well-known female sex hormone, than other men. The research demonstrates that men go through significant hormonal changes alongside their pregnant partners and that these changes are most likely initiated by their partner's pregnancy. The increase started 30 days before birth and continued during all 12 weeks of testing after birth.

Although estrogen is best known as a female sex hormone, it exists in small quantities in men, too. Animal studies show that estrogen can induce nurturing behavior in males. So, it seems increasingly clear that just as biology prepares women to be committed mothers, it prepares men to be dads as well. (1)

And as for the psychological aspects of the transition to fatherhood: In one study, men were interviewed during their partner's 38th and 39th weeks of pregnancy, and it was found that they experienced feelings of being insufficient and inadequate when thinking of becoming fathers; they felt excluded, and they felt a sense of increasing responsibility. (2)

And in a study performed by Meleagrou-Hitchens (3), some men expressed feeling a great deal of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty prior to their first baby's birth.

In this study, men said that they felt their partners' pregnancies to be a turbulent time for them. They felt inexperienced and unprepared to navigate the role of father. Many felt lonely, unsupported, and frustrated during this time. Some felt invisible and had a feeling that all the attention about the upcoming birth was going to their partner.

Some experienced a sense of detachment from their partner's pregnancies, especially early in the pregnancy, a feeling they did not welcome. Seeing or feeling fetal movement often helped men to feel more connected to the reality of the fetus. Many looked forward to the baby's birth, feeling that their role as father would be cemented and acknowledged at that point, recognized by others. And many looked forward to the birth of the baby as an opportunity to be able to start to take a more active role as fathers by caring for the infant. This seemed preferable to them compared with being in the passive, waiting position.

Moreover, pregnancy can be a time of profound psychological reorganization not only for women but also for their male partners who are preparing to be fathers. The men studied by researchers often reappraised their lifestyle, changed their perspectives on what was important to them, and reflected on their own experiences being fathered. They also often made shifts in how they saw themselves and their roles in the world. In other words, their very identities evolved during this time (Meleagrou-Hitchens).

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Other research suggests that some men view fatherhood as an opportunity for positive growth, seeing themselves as more sensitive, calm, harmonious, patient, and humble and less egocentric as they experienced their partners' pregnancies and as they settled into fatherhood.

These studies are fascinating in regard to the light they shed on the evolution of men into fathers—and they also highlight the needs of men both during their partner's pregnancies and during fatherhood itself. Many of the papers on the subject mention men's need for support, encouragement, and guidance as they transition to fatherhood—which, of course, comes as no surprise.

Boys in Western nations often grow up with little to no contact with younger children and babies, and as our society continues to devalue caretaking and nurturing skills, boys and men will, of course, often be further deprived of such experience.

Henri Parens, a well known child psychoanalyst, advocated for years for parenting education to be instituted in the schools for both boys and girls—but to no avail.

And yet men are expected to know what to do as fathers, how to care for their partners and their babies and, eventually, their children. They are expected to know how to relate to them, how to be empathic and attuned to them, how to be role models for them, etc.

It is clear that men need more resources and more information on how to become and be fathers. They need healthcare providers to include them in pre and post-natal and pediatric visits.

But also, it is often true that men rely on their partners to provide them with information and support during their partner's pregnancies and during the early days of their new baby's infancy—and this is a complicated matter. The problem here is that men may be ambivalent, on the one hand wanting and needing support and information from their partners and on the other feeling that they want to shield their partner from further responsibilities. Men may also be embarrassed to ask anyone other than their partners for help in this area.

But somehow, men need to find a way to access the help and information they need.

If you are a man who is soon to become a father, or who has recently become a father, here are some ideas.:

• Actively seek out information on child development and how to provide childcare apart from that provided by your partner.
• Actively seek out resources for you and your baby.
• Be open to seeking and soliciting support from other men who are either becoming fathers or who are already fathers.
• If you can't find one, start a "Daddies' Club" or a Fathers' Group of your own. Even if you are just two or three dads talking together or taking your babies or kids out for a few hours together on the weekends, do it! The companionship of other fathers is important as you navigate how to become a father yourself.
• Take the initiative in finding active roles for yourself during your partner's pregnancy and during your baby's infancy. For example, take on the grocery shopping or the meal preparation. Once the baby is born, volunteer to take the baby out for three or four hours at a time or in-between feedings if the baby is being breastfed. Be the one who makes the pediatric appointments or who makes sure there are always enough diapers in the house.
• Be aware of how much your partner does for the baby - and acknowledge this to her.
• Try to share the load as equally as you can.

There's a lot to becoming a father! And there's a lot more to say about it...

Stay tuned.