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When I talk to parents about their parenting goals, good communication is often somewhere near the top of their list. Rightfully so, as we know from research and experience that positive communication with kids is related to many important outcomes, including better parent-child relationships, higher self-esteem, better emotion regulation skills, higher academic achievement, and lower levels of anxiety, depression, behavior problems, drug/alcohol use, and teenage pregnancy. These all seem like great reasons to focus on establishing positive communication with your kids, if you ask me! So, how can you establish positive communication with your kids and teens? Here are a few simple guidelines to help you meet this parenting resolution.
Validation is validating
Validation is the simple act of acknowledging that the way your child feels and what they are saying is, well, valid... whether you agree or disagree. Just because you don’t agree, doesn’t mean their point lacks any validity and it certainly will not magically change how they feel. Validation communicates to your child that you are listening and that you understand them (or are at least trying to understand them). So, the next time your child or teen is expressing something that frustrated or upset them, you can validate them by saying something like “I can understand why that upset you.” You can also simply reflect (i.e., repeat) what they said, which also communicates active listening and understanding. For example, you might say “You’re saying the reason you were upset is because [insert reason here].” When you start by validating first, you open the discussion to allow for a productive conversation to take place.
Invalidation is invalidating
Aside from fear of getting in trouble or of parent’s negative reaction, feeling invalidated is a very common reason kids and teens avoid communicating with parents. This is not simply disagreement. What I’m talking about here are ways you might communicate that you have no interest in hearing or understanding what your child has to say and that whatever they are feeling is not valid. To avoid sending this message, be careful about using the following kinds of statements:
- "Yes, but…” or “I don’t care”: Responding by saying “Yes, but…” will immediately invalidate whatever they just said because everything that comes after “but” is about what you think and how you feel, which means you may not be stopping long enough to actually process and understand whatever they’re saying. Avoiding “I don’t care” is hopefully more self-explanatory. These types of statements are very invalidating and communicate that you are not interested in how they feel or what they’re saying. If you’re not convinced, consider how you might feel if a partner, family member, or even a coworker said this to you just after you’ve expressed how you’re feeling about something. I think we can agree it wouldn’t feel good. Take-home message: Disagree, yes. Invalidate, no.
- “Shut up”: In the heat of the moment, parents may find themselves saying something along these lines, particularly to their teenagers, as a way to quickly shut down a very frustrating discussion. While it may be necessary (and valuable) for parents to take a break from a heated discussion or argument, saying “shut up” is the equivalent of saying “Stop talking because I don’t want to hear what you have to say.” If this happens too frequently, kids will do exactly that. They will stop talking. As a result, parents will be less likely to hear about important issues related to school, friends, dating, drugs/alcohol, and other situations when kids need parental guidance most. Instead, parents can say things like “I don’t want to talk about this right now… let’s talk later” or “I really need to be left alone right now because I need some time to calm down before we talk.” In addition to getting a break, this also models what it looks like to get your emotions under control before continuing the conversation. If you’re able to return to the discussion later, once everyone is calm, the conversation is much more likely to be a productive one.
- Negative criticisms: Negative statements about your child or teen, especially when the criticism focuses on something about them personally vs. their actions, can have a significant impact on the parent-child relationship, the child’s self-esteem, and overall communication. For example, saying something like “You’re so lazy” vs. “I don’t think you spend enough time on your schoolwork” will have very different meanings. In this case, the parent is trying to express that they are dissatisfied with the child’s level of effort, but what they said instead is that the child, as a whole, is “lazy.” Although parents don’t intend to simply insult the child or teen, this is really all these kinds of statements accomplish. In addition, if these statements are repeated often enough, they can become part of the child’s internal dialogue about themselves and can also make talking to the parent an overall negative experience. This surely isn’t the foundation for positive communication. Instead, parents can focus on constructive feedback that the child can actually use to improve in a specific area.
The overarching goal of positive communication is to increase the likelihood that you’ll build a strong relationship with your kids. With that relationship as a foundation, your kids will be much more likely to share things with you, seek your guidance more often, and (dare we dream) actually use your advice to get through the many ups and downs to come. Happy communicating!
