How to Do Special Time With Your Child, Even When It Seems Hard

In Part 1, we looked at why children show attention-seeking behavior—and why the most effective response isn't a firmer boundary, but a more consistent source of connection. Special Time is that source: a short, daily block of one-on-one time where your child leads and you follow, phone out of the room, full attention on them. Ten minutes a day, done consistently, meets the need that's been driving the behavior.

But knowing what Special Time is and actually doing it well are two different things. Here's what makes the difference.

How Do I Build a Better Relationship With My Child?

Special Time works because it targets something specific: your child's need for connection with you. But there's a difference between spending time together and spending time in a way that actually meets that need. These five practices make the difference.

1. Put your phone in another room. Not face-down on the table. Actually out of the room. Even a quick glance at a notification pulls you out of the present moment—and your child notices. A phone on the table, even a silent one, signals that they're competing for your attention. This is their time.

2. Let them lead. Ask what they want to do. If they don't know, suggest something they often ask for, or something they always say yes to. Adults control most of what children do all day. Special Time also addresses a child's need for autonomy—and when that need gets met consistently, they spend less of the rest of the day trying to wrestle control back from you.

3. Say yes as much as you can. If they want a pillow fight and you're exhausted, you don't have to do the full 10 minutes of pillow fight. Two minutes counts. Then you could suggest a dance party. The goal is to make yes your default when it's safe to do so. A child who hears yes during Special Time learns that their preferences matter to you—and that makes them more willing to accept a no when it really counts.

4. Keep it one-on-one. Special Time is just you and the child whose turn it is. Other kids, your partner, your to-do list—they can all wait 10 minutes. If you have multiple children, each one gets their own separate Special Time. When your child knows this time belongs to them alone, it sends a clear signal: You are important to me.

5. Make it predictable. If your child never knows whether Special Time will happen or whether it will get cut short, they'll keep finding other ways to make sure their need for connection gets met. Consistency is what makes this work. Weeks later, if you're frustrated with your child's behavior, there's a good chance you'll realize you've let Special Time slide—and that's the moment to bring it back.

What if You Struggle to Connect With Your Child?

One parent, Aija, came to one of our Beyond the Behavior coaching calls with exactly this problem. Her son was 4 and a half. No matter how much time she spent with him, it never seemed like enough. She'd play and play, and he'd still be asking for more. She started dreading the moment she stepped out of the bedroom in the morning and heard "Let's play."

When we dug into it, we found something underneath the frustration: messages Aija had absorbed growing up—that productivity was valuable, and play was a waste of time. Every time she sat down with her son, her brain was telling her she should be doing something more useful. Those messages were still running in the background. Every time she sat down to play with him, her brain was telling her she should be doing something more productive.

If that's familiar, a few things helped Aija—and many other parents:

1. Offer activities you enjoy first. Aija liked building Legos and painting. Her son did, too. When you offer activities you enjoy as the first option, you're more likely to find something you both like—and you'll be more present during it.

2. Use Special Time as a mindfulness practice. When your mind wanders to the chores or the thought that you're wasting time, don't fight it. Acknowledge it: "I'm thinking I should be doing laundry right now." Then come back to what's in front of you. When my daughter was 5, she wanted to sort gravel by color every single day during Special Time. Not exactly riveting. But when I reminded myself that the real point of the activity was to connect with her, and that the actual experience of it was not terrible, I could be present and enjoy it with her. It's only 10 minutes.

3. Start with just two minutes. If 10 minutes feels overwhelming, start with two. Sit on the floor with them. Follow their lead. Many parents find that once they're in it, the resistance beforehand was harder than the thing itself.

4. Let go of the outcome. Special Time doesn't have to look meaningful to be meaningful. Your child doesn't need you to be enthusiastic. They need you to be there. Showing up consistently—even when you're not fully into it—still meets their need for connection.

5. No high-stakes activities. This is not the time for a Pinterest-perfect activity that takes longer to set up and clean up than your child plays with it. Simple is great.

6. Try to avoid screen time if you can. But if you have a child you’re struggling to connect with, and they are really into a screen activity, start by having them tell and/or teach you about it. That creates an opening to branch out into a nonscreen activity in a few days/weeks.

7. Notice what changes. If you're struggling to stay motivated, track your child's behavior for a few days before you start, then again after a week of Special Time. Many parents see dramatic shifts the very same day they begin.

Final Thoughts

When your child's need for connection is met consistently, attention-seeking behavior tends to fade on its own. Not because you've managed it—but because the thing driving it is no longer there.

A predictable 10 minutes of one-on-one time, with your child choosing the activity. It's a small change in your day. It can be a significant change in your parenting relationship.