Why Your Partner Triggers You—and How to Change That

Laurie never thought she’d be the kind of person who yelled at her partner over something as trivial as a box of Goldfish crackers. But there she was, seething with anger, berating her husband, Jordan, for leaving the crackers on the counter—again. They had a mouse problem, and leaving food out wouldn’t help. But it wasn’t just about the crackers. In her mind, this incident symbolized something much bigger: He doesn’t respect how hard I work. He expects me to clean up after him. I carry the entire household on my back, and he doesn’t even notice.

Jordan hadn’t meant to be inconsiderate; he had simply forgotten to put the crackers away. But Laurie’s reaction was outsized, far beyond what the situation seemed to call for. If you’ve ever found yourself exploding over something seemingly small in your relationship, you’re not alone. These reactions often have less to do with the present moment and everything to do with our past experiences and deeply ingrained emotional patterns.

Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else

Of all the people in our lives, our romantic partners often have the most power to trigger us. Why? Because they hold emotional significance like no one else. When you rely on someone for love, security, and emotional connection, even minor lapses can feel like a deep betrayal.

Research in attachment theory suggests that our early childhood experiences shape how we respond to stress in relationships. If your emotional needs weren’t consistently met growing up, you might develop a heightened sensitivity to certain behaviors in adulthood. An offhand comment from your partner can subconsciously echo childhood wounds, making it seem as though history is repeating itself.

Triggers activate our nervous system’s fight-or-flight response. When we perceive a threat—whether it’s a dismissive tone or a lack of support—our brain reacts as though we’re in danger. This leads to intense emotional reactions that feel out of proportion to the event itself.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves Are Linked to Our Triggers

One of the biggest insights Laurie had was recognizing how much the story she told herself about Jordan’s actions influenced her reaction. When she saw the crackers left out, she didn’t just see a simple oversight. Instead, her brain filled in the blanks: He doesn’t care. He expects me to handle everything. He takes me for granted.

These mental narratives shape our emotional responses. The problem is that we often believe these stories without questioning them. In reality, there’s usually another explanation. Jordan may have been preoccupied, stressed, or simply unaware of how important this small action was to Laurie.

A helpful tool to break this pattern is adding three simple words to your thoughts: I’m thinking that… Instead of saying, He doesn’t respect me, try, I’m thinking that he doesn’t respect me. This subtle shift creates distance between you and the thought. This can make it easier to consider alternative explanations for your partner's behavior.

Recognizing 'Fake' Feelings

Another shift Laurie made was learning to distinguish between real feelings and what some psychologists call fake feelings. Fake feelings are actually judgments in disguise. Saying, I feel abandoned isn’t a true feeling; it’s an interpretation of someone else’s behavior. A more accurate description might be, I feel lonely. I feel disconnected.

When we express our feelings as accusations, our partners often become defensive. (So do we, when they accuse us!) Instead of inviting understanding, we trigger their own insecurities and escalate the conflict. By sharing our real feelings, we create the opportunity for genuine connection.

The Power of the Pause

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Before Laurie began working on her triggers, her reactions were automatic and intense. But as she became more aware of them, she learned to pause before reacting. She started noticing the physical sensations that signaled a trigger—tight shoulders, a lump in her throat, a rising sense of frustration.

By pausing, she gave herself space to assess what was really happening. She could then ask herself:

• What story am I telling myself right now?
• Is it actually true?
• What else could be going on?

This pause allowed her to respond in a way that fostered connection rather than conflict. Instead of yelling, she could say, I’m feeling overwhelmed today, and when I see the crackers left out, I feel exasperated and annoyed. Could we talk about this?

Rebuilding Connection

When I talked with Laurie, she had been triggered that same morning by Jordan not putting the laundry basket in the right spot. We talked through how to repair with him when she saw him that evening—she had a lightbulb moment where she realized she often picks fights with him as a way to connect. When he’s angry with her, at least she knows he cares. (Our kids often do this as well…)

Laurie’s transformation wasn’t just about avoiding conflict—it was about rebuilding connection. Once she started recognizing and managing her triggers, she and Jordan found more space for laughter and intimacy. They began sending playful texts again, sharing little moments of appreciation, and prioritizing quality time together. This reminds them of how much they enjoy each other.

How to Communicate When You Feel Triggered

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to communicate in a way that leads to resolution rather than escalation. Here are some techniques that can help:

1. Get in touch with your senses. Taking a few deep breaths, touching soft fabric, or looking out the window for a minute can help lower your stress response before you speak.
2. Use non-judgmental observations and real feelings. Instead of saying, “I feel ignored because you never listen to me,” try, “I feel scared when I share something and don’t get a response.”
3. Ask clarifying questions. Instead of assuming intent, ask, “Can you help me understand why you did that?”
4. Take a break if needed. It’s OK to step away and return to the conversation when you feel calmer. Try to communicate when you’ll return before you step away.
5. Set boundaries. If your partner is engaging in behavior that repeatedly triggers you, decide on an appropriate boundary and communicate it clearly. This might be something like: “If you tell me it was my fault, I’ll leave the room.”

Laurie's story reminds us that triggers don’t have to control our relationships. By understanding where they come from, questioning the narratives we create, and taking small but intentional steps, we can move from frustration to connection.

If you’ve ever found yourself reacting to your partner—or your kids—in ways that surprise you, you’re not alone. Healing from triggers is a journey, but every small shift brings you closer to the relationship you truly want.