When Teens Shut Down Communication

Shutting Down

“My daughter just stops talking every time I bring up ______(insert topic or behavior here). What do I do? How am I supposed to listen, reflect, or validate if she refuses to talk at all?” I have heard this so many times from parents. It is frustrating when anybody ‘stonewalls’ or shuts down in a conversation.

It is important with teenagers in such situations to give them some options, but let them know that you want their input. For example, if your child has shut down about an issue, say something like, “I get that you don’t want to talk about this now. We have a couple options, you can talk with me a little later, you can try writing to me about it in an email, or I can make decisions without your input. I really want to get your input on this, but if you don’t communicate with me, I will make the decision without you.”

This approach lets the teenager know you want his input, gives a limited number of options for him to choose from, and it shows you will be flexible to some extent, but that you will hold firm to your decisions. Teenagers want to give their input. They want to feel like part of the decision, so it is to your advantage to give them the impression that you are considering their ideas or perspective, even if you are absolutely not, and are set on what your actions will be.

Teenagers are impulsive people and rarely fit our expectations for their behaviors. So be flexible when communicating with them, and if something doesn’t work, try something else. Start slow, as you can always speed up. Whereas if you start at full speed, it can be very difficult to slow down again.