The Pressure to Be a Perfect Parent

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Boom. The minute you become a parent, the pressure is on. For perhaps the first time in your life, you feel that you need to do everything right. The fear of making a mistake has never been so prominent. When you know that you are going to become a parent, you feel the pressure to follow the recommendations and advice of all your friends, family, and even the strangers at the grocery store. I call this the beginning of the pressure trap. They must know more than you, right? If you're not taking advantage of every bit of advice, you must not be doing everything you can for your baby. The race to do it right begins.

For many parents, this type of thinking occurs as soon as they find out they will be having a baby. You begin to look at the events around you with a new outlook. Not only are you more aware of the families you see at every restaurant, grocery store, or social event, but you're also more attentive to the onslaught of commercials and media that target new parents. You become inundated with the anecdotes, stories, and advice from most of the people you encounter. You may think you are simply attending a friend's birthday dinner, but once people hear (or see) that you are having a baby, you're treated to opinions about topics ranging from neonatal care to raising a teenager: "You should sign up your baby for preschool now; otherwise, she won't get into one that will have her reading before elementary school." Then there is the never-ending literature. Beginning with pregnancy, there are thousands of books telling you the perfect diet while pregnant, books to read to the baby in utero, ways to reduce stress to make a more calming experience for the developing fetus, how to foster a love of music in a growing fetus, and so on, and so on. How does a person keep up?

It seems like everyone else has it figured out. For this reason, many new parents don't feel comfortable sharing their concerns or mistakes with other people as they are navigating the world of sleepless nights, frustration, and feelings of helplessness. They fear that if they did, other parents would see them as incompetent. Or worse, it would be admitting that they might actually be incompetent. Instead, parents focus on the available literature and media outlets for parenting information. Unfortunately, while those resources offer many useful ideas, they don't often include the important section that says, "Mistakes will happen and that is OK" or the section that says, "If you skip a day following the advice of this book because you are busy, on vacation, or just plain tired, no worries, you can start again the next day." Yet that is real life. Mistakes will happen, and that is OK.

Remind yourself that all parents have misgivings. Find someone you can talk to, and you will see that most parents are feeling the same way. Being open with your concerns and hearing about the concerns of others provides a sense of normalcy, not guilt. Personally, I think talking about parenting mistakes and mishaps is even better when using a good sense of humor. Let's get this out of the way now: You won’t be perfect, and you shouldn’t even try to be perfect. Do the best job you can at that moment, and if you need help, ask for it.