Parenting
Reward the Process, Not Just the Outcome
A little bit of struggle along the way to a goal can be a really good thing.
Posted July 26, 2024 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Try to praise children for the effort just as much as the result.
- It is hard not to compare your child's accomplishments to others.
- Learning how to set goals and persevere through adversity along the way is a skill that lasts a lifetime.
I have been seeing a disturbing trend lately where parenting is moving away from a focus on problem-solving and, instead, toward an emphasis on the end product or outcome. Today's parents often tell their kids it is okay to make mistakes and then protect them from making them. They also tell their kids that effort is important and that they should try things before making a big decision. Yet when parents hear what other kids are doing, they emphasize extracurricular activities their children "should" do and how they "should" perform.
Most parents intend to support their children in doing things they enjoy and trying new things, whether or not they are performing at high levels. However, the parenting culture of this generation is to emphasize objective achievement. Therefore, kids hear praise for the strongest reader in the class, the highest grade-point averages, or for acceptance to an elite private school, a high-level competitive sports team or college. I try to remind parents that the best fit for their children isn’t always the school with the famous name or the competitive sports club where they will get almost no playing time. Instead, I ask them to focus on what is best for their child and their unique needs and skills. Not every high school graduate should go to Stanford University, but not all parents encourage a child to go to the university that is the best ‘fit’ rather than the one with the best reputation. Admittedly, it is a hard thing to do.
Statements about objective measures, such as GPA, all-star team membership, reading level, and so on, focus on the end product or the outcome, not the process used to reach the goals. I encourage parents to include praise and admiration for children who overcome obstacles and mistakes along the way to reaching their goals and accomplishments. If we focus on the steps that were taken to be successful it encourages a repeat of the behavior we want to reinforce, not the idea that we only praise the outcome. I want parents to be just as proud of the child who struggles in a subject in school, say math, and studied extra hard to earn a grade of ‘B’ as I would want them to be of the student whose math skills come easily and without too much effort earned a grade of ‘A’. As parents we are conditioned to reward the higher grade, but I hope you can see that the focus, goal setting, and extra effort might be a better long-term skill to have.
I hope, as parents we can all tell our child that we are impressed with their effort as much as we praise their achievements. Keep in mind that the process of working toward a goal is important because it teaches children the skills needed to become confident, independent, and thoughtful adults. It is important that children learn that overcoming the mistakes they make along the way to their goal is just as important as achieving the goal.
