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Schizophrenia is one of those things, like budgeting money or dealing with a difficult boss, that grade school, and parents, do not teach you how to deal with. It's not that they are bad parents, it's just that there is a lot of stuff to cover from a child's birth to their college years, and some of this stuff just doesn't come up. Not yet, anyway. When it comes to schizophrenia, everyone has their own way. They learn, or they don't. I've learned, and like others, I have my way. I've kept myself out of a hospital for some time, and I am proud of that.
I am what's known as a functional schizophrenic. I have a full time day job in corporate America and do not lean on friends or family members for help surviving my illness. I am, seemingly, a contributing member to society just like anyone else. I know a couple others like me, and I also know a few on disability who can't even think about having a job without plummeting into psychosis. Every person with this illness is different. It really just depends. I, personally, am so functional that people don't believe I have schizophrenia. People with mental illnesses don't really question it too much, except looking to me for help sometimes, I think (thank you), but those without a diagnosed mental illness really do not believe me. One of my best friends argued with me when I told him. He actually laughed. "You are not schizophrenic," he said. "I mean, yeah, you've had a rough time but you do not have schizophrenia. Those people are really crazy, A. I've met them. You are not like that." I honestly thought he knew before because he had heard from other friends or something, and just accepted it, but that was not the case. He didn't know and still, I think, doesn't believe me. He's not an idiot either; he has a developmental illness and is one of the most intelligent people I know.
There have been others, thinking that some doctor somewhere must have made a mistake. But the fact is that the reason they don't believe me is because of me, not because I was misdiagnosed. I have worked really hard to appear as functional as I do. I have seen specialists and therapists and alternative healers, and most importantly, I have forced myself to hang out and connect with people who are not schizophrenic.
It is very helpful in our healing process, as people with mental illnesses, to be able to relate to people who have walked in our shoes and understand. This is why mental health advocacy is so great. It's what allows Stigma Fighters to help people every day. But I get asked a lot how I do what I do, and my answer is that I hang out with seemingly normal people more than I do people with mental health challenges, and pretend to appear like I don't have schizophrenia as much as possible.
I hate to use that word, pretend. It makes me seem like a liar or seem like someone who plays an act into someone she really isn't. But I do believe in Kurt Vonnegut's famous words, that we must be careful what we pretend to be, because it is true that we are in danger of turning into that person, in my experience. And I have to be honest, I am perfectly okay turning into someone who is schizophrenic on the inside, someone who hears voices and struggles with intense paranoia, but also someone who does have the ability to hang out with her friends whenever she feels like it, someone who has the ability to relate to people with mental illnesses, but also relate to people who don't. I want to fit in, even if I don't quite yet. I'm not afraid to admit that because schizophrenia is not glamorous. Neither is depression or anxiety, or suicide, or any of the other things the artists of our time will have you believe that is glamorous. Schizophrenia is a terrifying illness that takes lives, and I really don't want to be one of those people. I love my friends in the mental health community, but most of what mental health advocates talk about is mental health, and I have found great therapy in distancing myself from it at times to be someone who doesn't have to worry about it every day.There is a balance there. A balance of, let's fight stigma, and say, football. Or literature. Or dogs. Whatever. Whatever you are into, don't forget about that. Your advocacy is important, but if that's all you ever do, that's all you'll ever be. Someone with a mental illness.
Don't want to be defined by your illness? Then don't be.
