How to Participate in Healing Our Country

These days, there’s a lot of talk about healing the country—quite a goal when one contemplates the tragedies of COVID-19, the impact of the election on our current President and President-Elect, and the long-term accumulation of toxic banter among voters, politicians, and media moguls of opposing parties.

Heal the country? How, where, and when do we begin, especially when we know that the inherent problems are so serious, multi-layered, and immense? The only approach that makes sense to me at this point is for each of us to begin with self, and Anne Lamott, one of my favorite authors, in her book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, suggests that we break down seemingly insurmountable goals into a series of workable tasks, first one and then another. Here, I’m borrowing from my years as a marriage therapist to describe a few specific behaviors designed to strengthen marital relationships that may actually be applicable to conversations with family, friends, and acquaintances, particularly those of differing political persuasions.

An essential goal of a good marriage therapist is that of helping a couple remove barriers to love. Renowned psychologist, researcher, clinician, and author John Gottman, Ph.D., spent four decades researching couples’ behavior. In two of his books, The Marriage Clinic (for therapists) and And Baby Makes Three (for couples), he describes an important research finding, that there are four behaviors that are most corrosive to a couple’s relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Dr. Gottman calls them "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," and the reason I’m highlighting this aspect of his research is that I think those four horsemen have been galloping across the country from the White House through the Redwood Forest to the Gulf stream waters and beyond for over four years.

Most of us have certainly been guilty of them, perhaps especially when discussing topics of a political nature with people of opposing opinions, and we’ve witnessed others, including the President and members of both political parties, doing so multitudinous times in real life, on TV, and in other media. Let’s take a look at why the Four Horseman are harmful so that we can understand how important it is to avoid them, and then note their antidotes so that we’ve got something of a healthier dynamic to work with. As we put these kinder, more respectful ways of relating into practice with the people in our daily lives, doing so even in our admittedly small geography will contribute a measure of healing into the climate of our beloved country.

Criticism is any complaint that implies that there is something globally wrong with one’s partner, something that is probably a lasting aspect of his or her character. And naturally, a long list of very specific complaints creates the sting of a global rejection of a partner’s personality. Antidotes to criticism include learning to lend a gentle, softened start to conversations.

Dr. Gottman’s research has found that 96 percent of the time, the way a conversation goes is determined by how it starts, so it makes sense that a softened startup would be helpful. Rather than bringing up a complaint by criticizing, simply make “I” statements and express your own needs clearly. Describe a situation neutrally, without blame.

Defensiveness is an attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. A person who feels criticized tends to become heavily invested in blaming the other person and then never admits to any wrongdoing. Antidotes to defensive behavior include accepting the other person’s perspective, taking ownership for one’s part in a conflict, and then apologizing for any wrongdoing.

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that connotes that a person considers him or herself on a higher plane than the other person. It is toxic and very disrespectful. Communicating a sense of moral superiority, contempt includes things like insults, sarcasm, and mockery.

Mockery in public (a tactic we've witnessed our current President and members of both political parties using) can be a very powerful form of contempt, and all of these behaviors, along with contemptuous facial expressions, are powerfully corrosive. Learning how to build a culture of appreciation in one’s relationships is the opposite and an essential antidote. Expressing appreciation for positive actions and showing respect helps a lot. So does reminding yourself often of your partner’s positive qualities.

Stonewalling occurs when the listener, who dislikes what the speaker is saying, withdraws from the conversation in order to avoid conflict. Stonewallers use brief monitoring glances, look away and down, vocalize hardly at all, and come across as if they’re an impassive stone wall. What’s actually going on is that they are being flooded with feelings, and therefore physiological self-soothing is the antidote for stonewalling.

It’s a physiological impossibility to process new information in the heat of anger. Take a break from the conversation for at least 20 minutes so that you can calm yourself down. Perhaps some deep breathing or meditation would help you. Listening to music or going for a walk works for some people. Agree to come back to the conversation after you’ve calmed down.

Now you have four clear suggestions. Hopefully, they can provide an initial template, enabling you to be proactive as a healer, step by step, in your relationships and in our country.