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During a typical holiday season, returning home for the holidays brings with it both joy and stress. In my experience working with young adults, expectations are high, and boundaries are still in transition as young people navigate newfound independence from their parents. But this year is unlike any other. Traditional stressors are now compounded by profoundly confusing and difficult choices surrounding our current public health emergency.
Given this current climate, how should young adults and their families manage seemingly impossible choices about returning home, navigating time (or lack thereof) spent with family, and letting go of years of preconceived notions about how the holiday season should look?
There is no easy answer to this question, but it’s one I've been asked again and again as families face the difficult decision of how to cope with this unusual holiday season.
Here, I offer tips for young adults who are navigating the weeks ahead:
1. First, be aware that the holiday season can be a challenging time even when we are not experiencing a global pandemic (and it’s okay and healthy to acknowledge that!)
Setting COVID-19 aside, there has always been a lot of pressure on what the holiday experience should look like and be — sometimes it feels like every moment must be joyful, fun, and celebratory. Much of this stems from preconceived notions, cultural and media standards, and historic expectations that have often been built up since childhood.
These unrealistic expectations can be stressful and it is worth acknowledging and examining them and making space for narratives that are different and more nuanced.
A survey from the American Psychological Association found that individuals experienced many mixed emotions during the holidays, with respondents indicating increased feelings of happiness, love, and high spirits, but also increased feelings of fatigue, stress, irritability, and sadness. This experience is compounded for anyone who might be experiencing mental illness. One 2014 NAMI survey reported that 64 percent of respondents with a mental illness found the holidays made their conditions and symptoms worse. In the recovery world, Thanksgiving, Christmas (for those who observe) and New Year’s can often be viewed as the “trifecta” of high-risk triggers.
By acknowledging and simply being aware that the holiday season can be complicated (and does not have to look or feel any one way), we can truly give ourselves permission to accept what is.
2. If you haven’t already, make a plan.
Whether you’re deciding to return home or stay put for the holidays, it’s important to not let the holidays sneak up without a plan (and it’s a great idea to make a plan together with your loved ones).
If you are planning on returning home — make sure everyone is on the same page with how to handle COVID testing, the possibility of quarantine, specific travel details, and the expected dates of travel. Additionally, this year it’s important to play out possible lock-down scenarios with the entire family. What will happen if additional travel restrictions are imposed? Will there be a place to quarantine if a test comes back positive? As difficult as it is to raise these scenarios, making a plan to navigate them as a team will ultimately offload future stressors.
If this season your family is celebrating from a distance, digital gatherings can be a great space for creative connection. And just as you would in person, discuss ahead of time what expectations are, and how everyone can show up and support each other from a place of compassion and respect.
3. Be prepared to set boundaries with family and friends.
It’s not easy to discuss COVID-19 testing and social distancing, and it’s become more difficult as different states have different guidelines. That being said, it is important to be set boundaries that are clear and straightforward.
One communication method I suggest for discussing boundaries with anyone (including family) is to use “I statements.” When you need to communicate your boundaries, say "I don’t feel comfortable gathering this year," or, "That isn’t the right choice for me this year." “I statements” allow points to be made without attacking anyone else’s feelings or viewpoints.
4. Try to find space for all the feelings that arise, whether those are grief, loss, or even relief, and make a personal plan for self-care.
There will, without a doubt, be people, events, and experiences that we will miss out on this year. To accept this and deal with the feelings that arise is a simple but important way of coping.
It can be powerful to acknowledge feelings of anxiety, stress, agitation, or even relief (from forgoing some obligatory holiday activities) that come up, and name them. Giving space to your feelings now can help prevent them from building up into problems later.
I would also say that now more than ever we need to carve out time for moments of self-care. As well as scheduling in your Zoom games and gatherings, make time for the things that nourish and recharge you and help you stay grounded and feeling good including exercise, mindfulness, and meditation practices, proper sleep, and nutrition. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, press pause; take that bath, light that aromatherapy candle, call your friend, or take a walk in the crisp fresh air.
In short, coping with this unusual season will require flexibility, self-reflection, patience, and a lot of communication. But it will also likely create new celebratory habits that may even help reduce some of the “holiday blues” of years past. In general, make a plan for self-care, connect with your loved ones whether it’s virtually or in-person, and navigate your personal boundaries with self-compassion. While navigating this exceptionally difficult year, I feel confident that our young adult population will find time for joy and innovation, ultimately leading them to opportunities for growth.
